Omg yes I'm still here!!!

10/27/2013

Pffft! I practically fell off the face of the earth! So much going on and NO time what so ever! Go figure right?!?!?! 

Anxiety- it blows hard core! Don't get me wrong, I'm a complete 180 from when I first was diagnosed 5months ago, but shit, it still is a HUGE part of my life. I honestly can say I hate it! But all I can do is keep fighting cuz dammit, I will win this fight! 

-what have I done to help already:

•counseling- HUGE DEAL helped a lot

•Meds- a continual work in progress. Some days I feel 100% other days I know they need tweaking (NOT TWERKING, tweaking) 

•talking to a friend/blogging/typing 

12/30/2013

I came on my blog to write as I am in midst of a panic attack and I see that this post was never published!!! How rude of me!! It's been sitting in my draft box for 2 months!!!  Well I better finish it and get it published!!! 

Anxiety can suck it. It has been over 2 months since I have had a full blown anxiety attack!!! I'm not saying it hasn't been hard, because god knows it has been! "Everyday I'm struggling" eh botched song lyric switched word attempt!! Anyway....as I am typing this in midst of my attack, I'm holding my precious baby girl who isn't such a baby anymore. She turned 8 months yesterday!!! I think of where I have been in the last 2 years!!! 

2 years ago I had no health concerns, other than being overweight, but couldn't get pregnant. Come hell or high water, we were going to have a beautiful baby!!! I talked with my friend Kellie and I instantly went Paleo. 6 short months later I was pg and well that's when this treacherous journey began. I'm still looking for answers and I don't know if I will ever get them??? 

The intense burning is the worst or at least tied for the worst. Feeling like u are unable to breathe due to the intense burning or maybe when u feel ur heart may just explode! Ugh... Those are tied too for first! No, no, now just wait...it's all just shitty the whole damn thing! 

When my attack started tonight I took 1/2 a Xanax, it helped a little, but now I took the other half in hopes that it indeed will help. If it doesn't help...well then, this isn't anxiety and something else is wrong!!! 

Going to lay down and try to let my meds work. Thanks for hanging in there with me and keepin it "real" 

Peace out!! ---do u like this closing??? 

J

First one in a while!

Hi everyone!!! Long time no write. I think it's been close to 2 months if not slightly longer. 

I was rocking the baby tonight after feeding her not thinking of anything in particular but having what I would describe as mini muscle jerks in my shoulders. Almost like a "tic" like when u are uncomfortable and ur body adjusts. Anyway, I'm sitting there and my chest begins to BURN, and I mean the someone is burning u with fire burn!!! It quickly moves below my breasts and then to my arms. I walk very quickly into our bedroom where I proceed to tell my husband I am having a panic attack. He aka why and then listens then goes back to bed. I lay the baby down on our bed and grab my Xanax. I take only 1/2 of .25

I have no idea if that little amount is going to help. At this point my skin is burning!!!!!!!i touch my skin and it is HOT to the touch!!! I take the temporal thermometer and it only reads 97.7-98.7 so frustrating! Where is all this burning heat sensation coming from?? Yikes!! It's been about 5 mins and the burning is going away but still there. I think the Xanax is working to help calm me down. 

I'm still so frustrated with why this happens to me at night and that I'm not "thinking" of anything. I was just sitting in the recliner rocking the baby. Nothing different from any other night. 

Ugh!!! I made it through but yikes!!

This crap is for the birds!

Until Later 

~J

Yoga yoga yoga.

I did it tonight and boy, I am out of shape!!!! Go figure right?! I even managed some tummy crunchers. I'm feeling good about what I did. Now to keep it up! I will!!! I have to, for a better me! 

Until Later

~J

Migraines.....they make me Happy :D NOT!!!

So, I don't have another Neuro appt until Dec 23rd. I don't know if I can wait that long. Well of course I CAN, BUT I don't know if I will want to. So how can I fix this??? How can I "fix" my migraines. My hormones, my pain, etc....the easiest way...going Paleo! I am going to have to. I was hoping to "ease" into it and just be gluten free...it's not working!!! I am going to have to cut out ALL grains. It's going to be hard, but I have to do it. I can't, NO, I won't live like this anymore. Starting tmrw, I am going to be as Paleo as I can be until payday Friday. Then...it's  on. I will feel better, I will be healthier and really....who doesn't want to look. Feel, and BE better??? I better get my journal out too. 

So instead of being down and frumpy even tho I'm in lots of pain, I am going to be positive and make a plan!!! If I don't take care of me who will??? Let's throw some yoga into the mix too! I can do it!!! 

Until Later,

~J 

Long time no blog....

Long story short: My life continues to be a roller coaster! And not a fun, easy going roller coaster, like the whizzer at Great America....NO WAY not even close. It is like the Viper or déjà vu, or even shockwave. For all of u who went there in the 90's you sooooooo know about Shockwave. 

Most days are great, some are doable, some are tiring, some are painful and lastly most just suck. What's that equation work out to be u ask???? Waking hours is surely a ratio of 6.5/10. Most of the time I'm distracted so not that bad. Not bedtime, that's a different story I'd say a 4/10. Nothing seems to go right. The anxiety continues to climb at night and I just don't understand!!! I don't understand the subconsciousness of this horrible disorder. And maybe I never will. 

Until Later

~J

Tonsils OUT

I can't believe this actually happened!! After all these years 22 to be close to exact, my tonsils were removed today!!! Oh thank god!!! I'm in pain tonight and am taking pain meds every 4 hours. I really feel like I could go every 3.5 but since they're Narcs, I figured I'd take exactly to the directions!

It's only been this one day, but I have not had any anxiety after the surgery. Only walking into the "fingers crossed" mostly sterile OR. Until then I had never seen an OR. The table is TINY but they assured me I wouldn't fall off! Lol!!! They also told me they would need to intubate me. This freaked me out a bit. I told the lady my anxiety went from 0-50. Her response was, "don't worry about it ill take care of it. Where r u from?"

"Evansville" 

And I was out!!! Seriously!!!! The next thing I knew I was back groggy as heck in the room with my dad. 

It is really painful right now, but I know it will continue to get better!!! 

Gotta hit the hay 

Until Latrr

~J 

Anxiety....nooooo!

I really, really, really would love to be sleeping right. Now!!! Baby girl she finally fell asleep for the 4th try after 10!! Only to woken up abruptly shortly after 11 by poor Chitlin! She tried to make it to the bathroom in time but failed. :( poor girl, this then turned into a HUGE sobbing fit in which I was unable to help with. Meanwhile baby girl begins crying, screaming. Is more like it. 2 kiddos, both screaming at 10 after 11. I get Chitlin cleaned up and tucked back in bed and GIVE UP my baby girl battle! She's in bed with us. Give me a bit and ill put her in either her crib or rock n play!  All this is turning into severe pain. I swear my head is going to explode!!! It's no wonder I have anxiety!! My back left skull is throbbing so hard right now that I could Take my pulse with no other tool!!!

Exhausted and in pain. Officially spent  

This is an anxiety attack!!!

I am okay!!! This is what Anxiety does to me. I cannot be hurt by this. However, my shoulders and chest feel like they are on fire!!!! Whew!!!! And my arm!!! Oh lord!!!! Oh does this hurt!!!! It will pass!!! This is only part of my anxiety and nothing is really wrong with me. Oh lord!!! I have had nothing like this before!!!! I've had a little burning and just here and there but not like this!!!! What caused this????? Oh boy!!!! I'm extremely nauseated!!!!! 

[I was feeding the baby, I set her down and began pacing, I became hotter and I ran my arms under the ice cold water]

Okay, I'm okay things are going to be fine!!! I am going to take a rescue med, just half since its so late. 

Oh, I'm going to be okay, there is nothing wrong with me, this is just my anxiety. I can control this!!! Anxiety doesn't define me!!! [pick baby back up, start rocking her, I need a distraction]

Whew!!!! That was by far was and still is the most intense burning I have ever had!!! I almost jumped in a freezing cold shower!!! Instead I put the baby down and ran my arms under the sink, then needed to take my shirt off because my back felt like it literally was on fire!!!! I ran my arms under the sink and then did some heavy pacing waking up my husband telling him I needed to call 911 because something wasn't right!!!! He told me to relax and to calm down. I continued to pace breathing Lamaze like. I made him touch my skin on my back because it was so hot and burning and he said it was actually cold!!!! I was soo confused!!!! I took 1/2 a rescue med and picked up the baby and now I'm rocking her as I type this and my body is no longer on fire. I am walking a right rope, this is my life....

Dear lord....thank you for helping me get through yet another one of these evil attacks!!!! I am stronger than I think I am!!! And as hard as this was, I survived!!!

How are you doing??? Original post 7/23/2013

Hello everyone!! I am once again apologizing for not posting nearly enough. Sometimes, ok MOST of the time, I just don't have TIME!!! Sleep is a VERY high  commodity in my life. Something had to give :/ 

So..."how are u doing???"  I get asked this question at least 1x a week. By different people. Most of those asking don't know that I have already been asked 4 other times during the week already. I wouldnt mind nearly as much if my answer was different than, "I'm trying" 8 weeks of "trying" blech!!!

Too tired

Too tired to post, I can barely keep my eyes open. I need sleep or an anxiety attack will happen I'm sure! 

Until Later

~J 

Down in the dumps

I really am feeling this way!! This last week has been absolutely horrible. I am so discouraged, overwhelmed, in pain, and just lost! I really thought I had a handle on this crappy anxiety! But my body and my brain just aren't working together! :( I don't even know how to think, or what to do!!! I just constantly am thinking what if...and why! Why am I still being tested in my emotional strength? Why can't life be how I need it to be?! I have 2 beautiful girls and a husband whom I love all very much, but feel the inability to be who they need me to be. How freaking disheartening! I need to continue to be positive. And I try every day, but this anxiety just breaks me down. 

I cannot believe I am even going to type this but here goes : I would take HG 3 times over than deal with anxiety. With HG I knew I was going to be sick, I knew I needed to take my meds, I knew I needed IV fluids, I knew I had my puke bag, I knew life was hard BUT I knew it was going to end!!! And even though it lasted a month AFTER baby girl got here, it ENDED and I knew it would!!!

I NEVER thought I could go through something worse than HG. Again, God has proved me wrong. 

Going to start ending on my positive notes again. I really fell off the band wagon with those. 

Tonight I am thankful for my mother.  We have not always seen eye to eye in the past but with the my increased anxiety she has really shown compassion and is understanding to my needs. 

Until Later

~ J

Normal?

Why can't I just be normal again??? This anxiety is ruining my life! I just want it done and over. I'm so overwhelmed all the time. Today is such an off day. I'm just so sick and tired of this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry! I'm over this. 

Until Later

~J

Anxiety sucks

I tell chitlin multiple times a day she is not allowed to use the word "sucks" I watch my words as much as possible. But tonight, if anxiety is really what is causing me all these stupid symptoms. I can't even list em out because its just too much  :( I'm hating this. I just want my life back like yesterday!!! But then I'm allowed to say as loud as possible and not have people jump downy throat.,

Until Later,

Joleen

Night away

Tonight is the first night I am spending away from the hubs since being diagnosed. It's way harder than I expected it to be. I'm pre anxiety attack and keep telling myself I'm okay, but it's still hard and scary. I know I'll get through it and I just need to sleep....but the whole sleep thing is not happening. 

*sigh*

I'm also a little freaked out as my iPod battery is almost dead! Ugh and who forgot the charger at home??? Me!! Bummer!! Big bummer! 

Anyway...I'll keep in touch and talk soon.

Until Later 

~J

I'm a slacker....

I'm so sorry!!! I haven't posted in such a long time!!! I have to bring u all up to speed!!!

Anxiety...such a dirty word!!! I hate it. 

I went back to work last week. I work M,W,F. Thank goodness!!! I needed every minute off I could! In fact I got so stressed out on Friday last week at work that I had a mini panic attack right in the break room!! :/ it was pretty intense!! I won't lie.  This week I only work 2 days because of the holiday!!! Woot woot!! Thank you!

Since being back to work I have noticed I have more physical symptoms. I'm not liking that one bit! Mostly chest pain and increased heart rate. :/ 

I have been doing some research and GERD and anxiety can go hand in hand. Which would make sense of some of my physical symptoms. Unfortunately the increased physical symptoms bring in the one intrusive thought I have...."am I going to live through the night"

How ridiculous! I mean for real! How dumb that is what goes through my head when I'm about to go to sleep. Well, that and I'm glad I had a good day with my kids do they will have that and know I loved them. Good lord!!! I wish there was a way to shut off the possible GERD and see if I still have chat pains and increased heart rate. 

I just want to be myself again! That's all I want. :/ 

The kiddos are doing great!! Chitlin is learning how to be a big sister and baby is looking around and taking it ALL in!!! 

I need to go to bed! She will be up shortly and I'll be useless!! 

Until Later

-J

Update!!!!

So sorry I have been on hiatus!!!! Life has been busy, rough, tiring, wonderful, and love filled. So much going on!!!! 

I can report that my HG is GONE!!! It took awhile postpartum but it left. I've even gained some weight back. Which I have decided if its good or bad! Lol. 

My anxiety has been under much better control!! The physical symptoms are still there, but are better managed with my calming techniques, coping skills, my positive self-talk, therapy, family support, and medication. It really takes all of these components to make things work!!! It isn't easy by any means.....but I am working towards it. 

I often said: "I wouldn't wish this [Hg] on anyone." Or "This [Hg] is the worst thing in the world" 

I still say quote #1 often, but #2 has changed. HG is the 2nd worst thing in the world!!! Anxiety and panic disorder is the worst thing in the world!!! Yes, HG can be unpredictable yes, but for the most part u know what to expect. With anxiety, it's a constant curve ball. Constantly thinking what will happen, when will it happen, how will it happen, whAt will the outcome be?? UGH worst ever!!!! I never thought there would be something WORSE than HG!!! 

Until Later

~J

Whew been awhile 6/19/13

It's been awhile since I've posted!!! Mostly things have been improving and I've been super proud of my progress!! The combo of therapy, medication, and friends works wonders!!! Don't get me wrong, I am in no way close to being "fixed" or "cured" but I'm on the right path.

I've had occasional physical anxiety symptoms here and there, but nothing too great to handle. Tonight however, has gotten too close for comfort!!  I've had 2 mini attacks tonight. Both I've been able to squelch, but I can feel the mama attack on the horizon.  I'm hoping to keep it from happening.  

If I wasn't already convinced before about hormones and anxiety being related (for me anyway) I am today for sure!!!!! 

Mom date!

Today was the first time in probably over a year I went out with my bestie for a mom date. Typically a mom date consists of appetizers, alcohol, and late nights out. This one, was lunch and Target and was probably one of the best times we had. 

I did really well keeping my anxiety managed!!

Originally posted 6/13/13. I just forgot to post it! Lol I blame mom brain :) 

I'm thankful for great friendships, near and far!

Until Later

~J

Ps I'm working on other posts too....I just need sleep more. It's IMPORTANT!! Lol 

Housework

Despite the fact that I hate housework (this is no secret), I got a lot done today :) very very nice!! Anxiety was at bay for the most part and I felt some what accomplished :) 

Now if I could only convince baby it's okay to sit in the swing or bouncer for 10 mins so I could get things done periodically That would be awesome!!!

Today I'm grateful for chitlin' even though she's having a little bit of a hard time with baby being here, she is a big help!!!

Until Later

~J

Recovering today

I spent most of the day recovering from my insane anxiety attack last night!!! It was really intense and I really thought I was going to need to use my rescue med. but I didn't. I made it through.

I took some time today to try and figure out what is causing these late night (while I am sleeping) attacks. The pattern that I could find was I take my meds right before I go to bed. Then within 1-3 hours the baby is up. I'm thinking I'm in such a deep sleep and the meds are metabolizing that it catches me so off guard it throws me into a panic. 

I am going to take it earlier tonight and see how it works.  And see if it is any different. It's really the only thing I can think of. 

I'm really upset about this whole anxiety thing! It pretty much surpasses HG as the worst thing in the world!! With HG I knew it would end, I knew what caused it, I had a rough idea of what was and going to happen to me. Now it's a fricking free for all!!! I have no idea what's going or coming or what's gonna happen or when!!! WORST ever! I'm over this shit!!!

Until Later

~J

Last night was just too crappy

And I didn't like it!!! And it's starting to continue this morning. 

I'm really bothered by the visual disturbances that I have been having and by the nausea. It really is the worst. It reminds me of the HG all over again. This is all just too much. I know I will overcome it at some point but for now this crappy anxiety is winning. And I'm really mad about that. I just wanna be freaking normal. Just wanna be normal. When will it ever happen???

Until Later

~J

Anxiety PLEASE PLEASE leave me alone!!!

I had a wonderful day today with my family!!! Albeit a little (a lot), long of a day, but it was great!! My extended family came down to see us. They came to our house for a couple hours and then we went to my parents for a cookout and bonfire! It was a great time. Towards the end of the night 9pm or so I could start to feel my body getting tired and overwhelmed so we decided to leave. (Family had got to my house around noon). Got home got the baby asleep, and got myself in bed asleep by 11:06pm (last I looked at the clock).

Fast forward to 1:30am baby starts moving around and wakes up. (She slept for 3+ hours SWEET!!! Lol) anyway, I got up and instantly felt nauseous. :/ then walked to the kitchen and was extremely dizzy had to close my eyes and got more sick. Started getting hot and boom this damn anxiety attack was on me like white on rice!!! I start talking myself through it...get the baby's bottle made and sit down to feed her. I picked up my iPod and here I am blogging to get me through this. I wish I could put my symptoms out on paper, but the reality is, that if I even think about them, they make me more ill! Actually just writing that sentence made my entire body extremely hot and my neck and shoulders are burning. Ok 

Until Later

~J

Dreaming again!!

I'm so happy to be dreaming again!!! I don't remember all the parts to all my dreams but the simple fact that I'm dreaming again is encouraging!!! 

What am I dreaming about??? Sure ill tell u....I was going to do a fund raising walk for my local high school, which just so happened to be where I actually went to school.  I need help with directions etc and had to ask our guy gym teacher these questions. The funny part: it was our gym teacher from HS AND he wasn't wearing a shirt!!!! Ooh la la! Lol those of u who went to school with me....u get it!! ;) 

Until Later

~J

Whew!! Long time no type!!!

It's been awhile since I have written and I apologize. I have been dealing with a lot of things and it has taken up a lot of my time!!! 

For the most part my anxiety is getting better!! Yay!! But there are still things that bother it. For some reason it gets worse at night while I sleep!!! I am not sure why but this is proving to be true more and more often!!! It makes me wonder what the hell is up??? What happens while I'm sleeping that causes my body such panic?? Is my subconscious really that screwed up??!!! Lol. MUST BE! 

I must return to work on 6/24. *sigh* I am going to try my hardest to be ready and "stable" by then. I'm thinking positively and hoping 2 weeks will help!

 I need to get the girls into a routine as well. Chitlin will be going to daycare 2 days a week and baby my parents. This translates into me getting up at 5:45 everyday!!!! Omg!!! No freaking way!! I LOVE that baby naps until 9 or 10. Guess when she wakes at 6:30 it will be time to get her ready :( not snuggle back in bed!

Ugh so many changes to worry about and yet I reAlly shouldn't worry now!! 

Ok gotta burp the baby. 

Today I'm thankful for my parents. My mom came over to watch the girls while my dad and I ran quick errands in town

Until Later

~J

What came first??

What came first?? The anxiety or the thought/awareness of the anxiety?? What a flippin' conundrum!!! I've been trying to figure out what my trigger is for my anxiety...and I keep coming back to that episode that I had at 6 weeks pregnant that I call my "stroke episode" but have been made aware it was most likely my first response to HG. After that day, every ache, pain, cramp, tingle I was convinced I was going to die. It was such a scary experience. When u lose the ability to speak intelligibly.....along with other symptoms, it scares the crap out of you!!! So now I have to truly figure out, what is triggering my anxiety?? I'm thinking honestly my anxiety is triggering my anxiety!! I will get an anxiety symptom ie: burning sensation in my neck. I instantly think blood clot or aneurysm. Logically no this is not what is going to happen, BUT it causes me to perseverate on those thoughts. SO here's the question: What caused the anxiety symptom of the burning neck? I was doing everyday stuff, nothing different. And BOOM snowball effect!! YIKES!!!

Food for thought!!! I posted in a forum tonight that my subconscious must always be anxious and just never wants to tell me why! Ill keep working on it! I'll get this figured out!!! 

Today I'm thankful for my mother in law. Not only was she the most caring and loving person I have ever met, she was the best darn MIL a girl could ever ask for! She's give u the shirt off her back and then give u money to buy yourself new ones! She will be greatly missed. 

Xoox

Until Later

~J

Rude awakening...hungry baby

Well tonight I was woke up by 2 things....

1. An anxiety attack

2. A hungry infant

How do these work together you ask?? Well they don't!!! And typing now while feeding said hungry infant while trying to distract myself from said anxiety attack is equally hard!!! 

I'm going to be okay, I know that!!! But my heart feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest!!! And a crying, hungry, infant doesn't help that initially!! 

I warmed up a bottle and while waiting I drank 2 glasses of ice water!! Blech!!! I dislike water so much!! But I know it is important. 

So as I type and hungry infant is almost in a food coma, I start to think, "what the hell caused this attack that I am having??!!!" 

It could be a couple things:

*i was VERY busy this AM/afternoon

*i did not drink enough fluids today :(

*i finally began grieving the loss of a loved  one

*worried about my job

*baby stirring/moving around startled me

*my subconscious knows something I don't know!

I am sure if it was one of these things it's ALL of these things!!! Lol <<<<I say lol but really that is probably the most truthful statement I've made yet!!! 

Another thing I'm worried about, well not worried about, but thinking a lot about the last 2 days (ok yes that means worrying about!!) is signs of being diabetic. I have a few signs and with eating only sugars and simple carbs due to my HG, it wouldn't surprise me if I was. Or at least pre-diabetic. 

I'm hoping this isn't the anxiety that is making me think this way and that I really am aware and worried about the symptoms. I'm pretty sure it's worth being tested for. What can it hurt to have a simple blood test done? 

Anyway....baby in food coma, my eyes hurt, and my anxiety slowing....time to listen to pandora and go to bed. Thanks for listening xoxo

Today I'm thankful for....(what did I post on FB??? Doesn't matter) my friends who read my blog and give me continued support. Without you all, I'd be nowhere writing for no one. Hugs!!!

Until Later

~ J 

I got my hair washed today :)

Awesome!!!! 

I also drank 40+oz of water!! Sweet!!!!

And I'm craving caramel corn.

Today I'm thankful for my friend who gave us all her girls' clothes that were too  small. Chitin is set for summer!! 

Babysitter and sleeping arrangements

Took the girls to my bff's house while I had my therapy appt today. Whew....talk about high anxiety!!! My BFF is awesome, amazing, wonderful, has kids, loves my kids like they are her own!!! But I still had anxiety about dropping the baby off. Chitin, she's been there before :)  Lol but I did it!! And they were fine and I was fine (after) lol!!  The girls were well behaved.

Tonight I was going to try baby in the pack n play again but I began to have anxiety about not getting enough sleep and her being up so I decided not to do it tonight. I am going to use the rock n play. Which works just fine :) most likely she will end up in bed with me anyway. We have an extra contoured changing table pad that has higher sides on it. I think tmrw night I am going to try her sleeping on that in bed with us. I feel better knowing she's contained. I'm not worried about rolling on her, but I'm worried that she will suffocate in the blankets!! So, that's what I'm going to try tmrw!!! I'm sure the hubby will just love that! Lol. 

Today I'm thankful that we were able to go for a walk as a family. 

Until Later

~J

Bassinet??!!

I'm having baby sleep in the pack n play bassinet tonight. :/ it brings her higher up to me and closer to me. So that's good. I really enjoy her sleeping with me in bed, but I'd like to find an in bed co sleeper so I can feel safer about it. When she sleeps with me she sleeps longer and better than when she was in the rock n play. I'm hoping this will work.  I think it will be good. Maybe another month or 2 and then she'll be in her crib. I just feel like she should be sleeping longer through the night before she moves in her own room. Fingers crossed!!

Anxiety check...doing good so far. Therapy appt tmrw. Going to ask for additional resources about anxiety etc. 

hoping it continues to go in a positive direction. 

I can honestly say that both HG and anxiety/panic attacks are the 2 hardest most complicated things I have ever had to deal with. I don't wish either of them on ANYONE!!

Today I am grateful that my hubby didn't have to work and we were able to have another family day. 

Until Later

~J

Brat Fest :D I made it!!!

I made it to brat fest :D even had a brat! Took me awhile to eat it, but I did :) so proud of myself!! After, we went to babies r us because I lost a bottle at brat fest. :( I didn't put it in the bag, just on top. By the time I remembered it was too late. 

I did well at BRU too. I had to talk myself through some of it, but I got more bottles and nipples. And we headed home. All in all a good day. 

So, so far this has been a successful day! I hope it continues!! 

Today I'm grateful for: spending time together as a family!!! <3

Until Later

~J

Good day :)

Today was a good day. I was showered before noon :) that's always a plus!!! i took both girls with me to Target! I got them ready, loaded them in the truck and drove there :) I was on a mission, formula and glass bottles. Got them both and didn't even stray when chitin asked to see the toys. 

I even made chicken in the crockpot!!! Today was a good day ;) 

Today I'm grateful for Target. Thank you for having what I needed! 

Until Later

~J

Today was better

Today was a better day. Thank goodness. Still a lot of anxiety, but it was controlled. It's weird because it is almost all physical symptoms. Not to many intrusive thoughts. Nothing horrific anyway. Apparently some people have some pretty bad thoughts. I do not. I think my body is just rebelling. those darn hormones!!! LOL

I talked with a  friend today and I am going to look into calling an endocrinologist to have my thyroid looked at further and also my hormones in a couple of months. Hopefully things will be chilled out a bit by then. 

My friend posted this picture today:

I hit every single one of these except family history. I don't believe anyone else in our family has thyroid problems, but I could be wrong.  The one that stood out in my mind the most was the sudden onset of panic disorder.  i mean, i had some normal pregnancy anxiety, but I wasn't having anxiety attacks 4-5x a day like I am now. I mean reallly? that was just yesterday, and a few weeks ago. I haven't had any today =D

Anyway.....So I am going to look up some phone numbers and make some calls tomorrow.  see what I can do. I am sure it will take awhile to get in and I am wondering about a referral. Going to try and go to bed early tonight. I hope Mary will let me.  I need good sleep!! going to bed at 12 isn't good. LOL 

Tonight I am thankful for:

naps

and

phone calls from family. 

Until Later

~J

One foot in the looney bin!!!

So, LOTS of things happening in my life right now!! MANY stressors (good and bad). But to top the cake last night I get a call from my hubby who was in town picking up mulch at Menards, (police sirens in background) "I was in an accident, I got Tboned, I'm ok, love you" click.  Um what??!!!! Yesterday was a horrible day all around with multiple anxiety attacks, and that phone call just did me in. I called him back and asked what happened and how he was gonna get home. He said I'd need to get him. Yeah, we'll that wasn't gonna happen. Hungry new baby, psychotic (at the moment) mom freaking out, and the baby seat wasn't in my truck. Long story short, the neighbor went and picked him up. He seems to be okay, his arm has a skin burn on it from the door panel, and he is sore! But he walked away and that's the important part!!! 

So what happened??

He says he watched this all happen in slow motion. He was driving down a 2 ln hwy. Ahead of him was a car and ahead of that car was a charter bus. He saw a  camaro swerve right into the bus (he started to slow down and pull off to the shoulder). The camaro bounced off the bus (all the air bags deployed) and seriously slammed right into the side of his truck. It sort of wedge right under it. He said he told himself, ok this cars gonna hit me and boom! It did. 

I am sure that the driver of the camaro couldn't see anything after hitting the bus as all the airbags went off. The hubby said the people in the car were taken by ambulance but seemed to be ok from what he could tell. 

I'm just glad no one died. I wouldn't have been able to handle that at all!!!!

Anyway....

I am grateful for my girls, my husband, and auto insurance. 

I'll keep u posted. 

Until Later

~J

Neuro appt

It went well. Told me nothing was abnormal with my brain or my neck. So apparently the logical answers for all my ailments are:

ANXIETY

STRESS

HORMONES

Ugh!!! Yesterday I had such an awesome day!! Today stinks!! I'm fighting off anxiety attacks all day! First started in the shower!! However, it felt more like a blood sugar issue. But maybe I'm just displacing my diagnosis to try and find something wrong. When in reality, it's just the anxiety. 

My dad suggests I look into acupuncture. I have nothing to lose so I think that I will. I need as much help through this as I can.  Guess I can kiss any chance of a vacation goodbye as the amount of money I am spending on doc appts. Is enough to go on a mini vaca! 

What do u do??

Until Later

~J

Better days :)

Today was a good day!! I can't believe I can actually say that, but its the truth!!!

I showered in the morning :) 

I didn't spend my day in the bedroom :)

I went to Family Dollar (with both girls!) :)

I spent a good amount of time outside! :)

Today I'm grateful for:

1. Candy, without it I wouldn't be eating.

2. Water. As much as I hate to drink it, I know how important it is for me to stay hydrated. 

Until Later

~J

Therapist :)

I have to say, I love my therapist. Not only did she come in on her day off to see me today (because she cancelled last week due to being sick). She let me get everything off my plate and then she helped me put one thing back on. It's going to be a slow process, but its gonna be a positive process!! I am going to make it through this!!! 

I am an HG survivor, and I am postpartum anxiety surviving!!! 

I got this!

Today I'm thankful for:

1. My therapist-she gets me!!

2. Our neighbors across the street-they couldn't be any nicer if they tried! 

3. For snail mail from SE! I <3 u and miss u!!!!

Until Later

~J

Waiting for my MRIs

My anxiety stayed away pretty nicely until I got checked in. Now I'm sitting here heart pounding, trying not throw up. I hope I can stay calm enough to have the MRIs done. I'm saying my positive affirmations and hope it goes away!!!

Fingers crossed!!! 

After:

I think I did pretty good. It was not like the other MRI I had before. The one before was quieter. This one was LOUD!!!  They gave me headphones with music but u could barely hear the music due to the loudness of the machine. I ended up falling asleep in there. It took an hour for my brain and neck. The technician said she only had to do one pix over due to slight movement. Well, that's not to bad ;) 

She said I should get my results on Wednesday when I go to the neuro. 

I'll keep u posted. Obviously!!! 

Until Later

~J

Why do things work out like this???

So when things are going well, and I make a statement that they are going well.....why does something have to happen to make it not...whatever do I mean u ask??? Let me explain: 

Tonight I went to bed a little after 11. Every night before I close my eyes I take my medicine. Which I did tonight. Baby decided to get up at 12:30, so that only have me approx 1.5 hours of sleep from my meds. Which in turn, is not enough and I get a little panicky. Not to mention....I'm having that left side back pain. I'm going to try and sleep through it tonight if I can once baby goes to sleep. If not, I will try some Tylenol again and hope it works. I'm already feeling the anxiety build. Time for positive affirmations and prayers that baby goes back to sleep quickly! Lol 

Addition 4:40am:

I tried sleeping through the pain. It lasted about 15 mins and then I had to get up. I took some Tylenol and after writhing in pain for 40 mins it finally went away enough for me to sleep. Only for me to be jolted awake an hour later in the same damn pain!!!  I'm up now feeding the baby and the pain is boarderline intense,  with me crying. I really have no idea what I have done to deserve all this $hit to happen to me. It really really isn't fair!! But who ever said life was fair? 

Funny thing is, no anxiety with this. Prolly because its real! Although being jolted awake has some panic factor to it. 

Now to decide what I need to do..

Go to urgent care before my MRIs, after my MRIs but before my therapy appt, or after that??? Guess it will depend on if the pain goes away or not!!!  

I really shoulda bought a lottery tix the other day! I coulda possibly won, seeing what my odds are.  

I'll keep u posted. 

Until Later

~J 

Caramello candy bar :)

Today went well, very little anxiety.

Tmrw I have my brain and neck MRIs. Hoping to figure out these migraines that are accompanying my left side pain etc.... Then afterwards I have my therapist appt. I'm looking fwd to it so I can talk to her about how to work through this!! I will overcome it!! There is no other choice!!!

Today I'm grateful that

1. I made it outside with baby for about 15 mins. It was hot and muggy but it was nice too

2. My husband can read my mind (at times lol). He was going to the gas station and asked me what kind of candy bar I wanted. Before I could even say it, he said, "a caramello. I just know u want one" I was totally thinking that!!! And I haven't had one in over a year, so it's not like I get them every day :) yummy!!!

Until Later

~J

Hmmm...that's weird...

Anxiety is not only $hitty it's weird. 

I joined some anxiety forums online, but I quickly realized that I couldn't read them!!  I was hoping to read relaxation techniques etc....ummm....no, not quite. I seriously would start reading some posts that were similar to what I am going through....bad idea!!!! I instantly got hot, and my heart started pounding..... Whoo! Not cool. 

The worst part is when I'm just sitting at home watching TV or on Facebook, and I feel like I can't breathe and I start to get hot! SO WEIRD!!!  Apparently anxiety isn't choosey when it wants to hit! 

The absolute worst tho is when I'm dead asleep and boom it just hits me! Yuck!!!

Anyway....I am going to end each blog entry with 1-2 things I am grateful for that day.

1. I'm grateful for my parents who help my family out more than I could ever expect!!

2. I'm thankful for my husband who is accepting of yet another horrible disease that I have been subjected to. He tries so hard, and I appreciate it. 

I love my family <3

Until Later

~J

Holy back pain Batman!!!

It's the same as the other night, left side of the back between my ribs and hip. Also a little bit on my side. Holy pain!!!! The other night when I had it *TMI WARNING* I ended up passing a clot the size of a golf ball!!! Yeah gross I know. It totally freaked me out!!! I guess it's normal tho!!  Yikes!!!  So, now I wait to see if I pass another one or if not, then maybe it's kidney pain??? Oh lord this hurts!!! Ouch!!!!! 

Until Later

~J

Anxiety 2.0---HG edition

I know I already posted about anxiety early this morning, but I am posting about it again along with some linger HG issues. 

I finally was able to fall asleep this morning around 4? Only to woken up abruptly by the burning sensation in my arm and chest at 4:47. So not a whole lot of sleep. Anyway, I started my affirmation chant and got the baby a bottle. While getting the bottle ready, I did what any normal person waiting would do, get a drink of water. OH MOTHER of all things HOLY!!! That was the wrong  thing to do! I instantly started dry heaving and made it in the bathroom just in time to throw up in a not freshly cleaned toilet!!! I really didn't have a choice. I guess I coulda threw up in the sink, but it probably woulda splashed back. That's just gross!!! 

My hubby was just leaving for work, and I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one where u feel like u don't want to be alone. And then I started my chants again. 

I feed the baby while sitting on the toilet and she in her rock n play seat. I love that thing!!! As I was feeding her I wasn't sure which end it really was going to come out of. Luckily it only went one way. However the dry heaving continued. 

I washed up and crawled back in bed, my baby right next to me in her rock n play. Stroking her soft hair is soothing. I turned on calm meditation music. My only hope is she continues to be calm this morning. If she needs me to walk her  I don't think I'll be able to. Knock on wood, so far so good. 

Chitlin just came in the room. The first thing she asked me was, "Why are u rocking side to side mom?" I told her that I wasn't feeling well. 

My biggest fear as of late is that I am going to need to be hospitalized for dehydration and malnutrition. Obviously 2 things I'm trying HARD to avoid, but continue to be a struggle. 

It is like being pregnant all over again with  HG but worse. How can it be worse u ask??! Well, instead of baby in she is out and requires constant care along with Chitlin. 

I sure didn't sign up for this crap!! And someone in the Big house must think I'm stronger than I really am. Because this girl is breaking down pretty fast. 

I just wish I could go back to the way I used to be. Only one good thing came out of this pregnancy and it was baby. Everything else blows big donkey butts!!! 

Gonna snuggle with my girls as best I can before they both wake up. I LOVE that chitlin crawls into bed with me every morning and falls back to sleep. 

Dear Grandma, please grant me the strength to get through this 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time, 1 minute at a time. 

I love you!!!

Until Later

~J

Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety,ANXIETY!!!! Aaaahhh

So, my food and drink aversions are back full swing!!! WONDERFUL!!! With aversions come anxiety. Hell I am in full blown anxiety mode without the aversions! I have mini anxiety attacks through out the day. Typically they don't start until the afternoon, but I've had the occasional one in the morning too. 

I can't even explain what it feels like for fear I may send myself into an attack. How scary and pathetic at the same time! There are heart flutters/palpitations, burning sensations certain places on my skin, shortness of breath, chest pain, etc...

Anyway.....I see my counselor/therapist tmrw. I'm anxious to say the least about driving there. Talking to her she's awesome no problem!!! Driving....ugh, not gonna think about it now. Proactive, think of it when it's appropriate. 

Tonight, 5/15/13 I went to bed aprox 10:45pm. I was exhausted!! I took my medication, and quickly slipped into a lightheaded slumber. While asleep chitlin comes running in the room upset and crying, I try to ask her what's wrong but quickly realize 2 things: 1 she's gotta go potty and 2 she's not gonna answer me. She used our br and I walked her back to bed. I came back to bed, but I was startled, and I found myself in the middle of a full fledge anxiety attack. Unfortunately I cannot go through exactly how it went as it will send me into another one, but there was the burning sensation and vomiting. 

I did a quick how to calm down search and read about positive affirmations so I started chanting some positive sayings and after awhile my anxiety attack passed. Whether it be from that or it just ran its course, I'm glad it's done with. 

No in place of it, I am having SEVERE stabbing pain on my lower left side. Mostly in the back, but I can feel it in the front too wowza!!! 

I am just one big freaking mess!!! Wtf??!! 

Until Later

~J

 

 

Doc appt

Well, it went okay but not exactly how I wanted lol. I wanted to stop the propranolol bcuz of the horrible side effect of diarrhea!!! Yuck!!!! And really I think that my pulse/heart rate is okay. But dr wants me to give it another week to see how it goes. I'm willing to try, but would rather not. 

He also told me he wants me on the Celexa. Which I told him now that I am not breast feeding :( I'm okay with taking it. With the events going on in my life I feel that it is a good choice. I had been on Celexa before years ago, but never while on another med and definitely not while having hormonal changes!!! I am not opposed 1 bit to take it tho to help with my anxiety! 

So ever since my HG and taking a billion pills a day, I have become hyper aware about not taking a bunch of pills all at the same time. I space them out. At the least...15 mins apart but ideally an hour or more. It can be challenging, but tonight I managed Tylenol, wait 30 mins, propranolol, wait 1 hour, then Celexa. I fell asleep fast. I fell asleep hard (this kind of bothered me because I don't want to be "out of it") but I heard the baby so I wasn't to out of it. But then I was awaken by a burning sensation at the base of my skull. Of course I looked it up while half asleep and it is a very common side effect, but OUCH!!! It really felt like I was being burned. 

Anyway...no halter monitor for now, going to try these meds. Meeting with my therapist on Thursday about my anxiety due to my HG. I'm kind of anxious for that. Go figure! Lol I am hoping to really be able to talk through a bunch of things and am interested on her insight of HG suffered and PTSD. Because I would say I truly qualify!!! 

Until Later

~J

Oh I almost forgot. Called my neuro and he is out until Wednesday. So hopefully I will hear back by them. 

Should be sleeping but I am not go figure

So another ER trip last night. It was horrible I had a really bad attack of shortness of breath (SOB) and dizziness, lightheaded ness. I'm so over all this crap. ER doc was great!!! I really liked him...a lot!!! He had me do a chest X-ray with contrast. Whoo that stuff is wicked!!!! And it makes u feel like u have wet urself even tho u don't. Anyway...everything came back ok. No blood clots in my lungs!! That's great!!! But now what is causing my SOB????

Well, not even 10 mins ago I'm laying in bed and the back of my head (left side) starts to hurt...a lot. Enough to wake me up. The pain surges and causes me to get really nauseous, dizzy, and I start to panic (a little). I try to go back to sleep but I'm too nauseous and ill admit, a little afraid.  Once 8 rolls around, I'm calling the neuro and I'm telling them, I'm not waiting until the 22nd for them to "see" me again AND then wait for an MRI. I want this completed NOW!!! And I'm glad I had this experience this morning because I can explain it first hand!!

I'm also going to tell my doc I don't want to take the propranolol anymore (it gives me the runs!!) , but I'm open to taking the Celexa (which I haven't started yet). Hopefully the OB will be good with that. I'm sure he will be. 

I'll fill u in on my phone call and my appt.

Gonna get ready now that I'm awake :/

Until later

~J

Really thought this would be over by now

But I guess not! I guess I'm the Lucky one that continues to feel horrible and have multiple things go wrong with my health. 

I have narrowed it down to 2 probable "REAL" causes....Hormones and Anxiety. 

But there is a part of me that knows there is something wrong physically as well. 

Hormones F u up!!! There is no other way to say it. I truly think there is something wrong with my thyroid even tho they tested it. My numbers were kind of on the high side.  I hate hormones!!! I hate what they do to u. I was on birth control for so long and didn't really see what it was doing good or bad. At the time, I just didn't want to get pregnant!!! 

I currently do not like the thought of hormone replacement or synthetic hormones. But dealing with this postpartum crap this time I'm desperate to try anything, even going back on the pill, knowing that I don't 100% agree with it.  Ugh....life really deals u crap hands sometimes!! 

Anxiety is just a given with all the shit I've been dealing with! And it has been proven that Anxiety can cause physically medical conditions along with stress!!! How not cool!!!! F u anxiety and stress!!! 

The weird part of this with me is, most of my episodes happen at night ( in bed) or when I'm doing physical activity. Walking with the baby, standing washing bottles, showering. Or even just standing. My body just doesn't know how to respond anymore. 

HG has ruined a lot of things for me, and it continues!! I am glad that it hasn't affected the way I feel about the baby!!! No ppd. But I do have the anxiety. 

The HG continues to hurt my food and fluid intake :( I just weighed myself today and I weigh 163. Pre-pregnancy I was 195!!! And at the time the baby was born I was 190. On Monday I will be 2 weeks postpartum. I can't imagine 27 pounds in 2 weeks is all that healthy. Will be talking to the doc about that too!! Ugh...so much crap!

Weight loss-food aversions

Shortness of breath w/pain - blood clot or asthma

High blood pressure - random times

Tachycardia with little activity

Migraines and all the crap that goes with it! --neuro....will call him on Monday as well! 

Until Later

~J

Sooo sorry for being on hiatus!!!

There has been sooo much happening in our lives, I just can't keep up with it all. Not to mention the fact that I AM STILL SICK!!!! Not 100% with HG, but it lingers. For the most part my nausea has gone away along with the vomiting....HOWEVER....in a blink of an eye it will hit me so hard, at any instant (lately at night) that I'm puking in the toilet before I'm able to clean it!!!! Those of you that are loyal readers know....I DO NOT puke in a dirty toilet!!! Well, Thursday of this week....I did! Oh the humanity!!! The food aversions are stronger than ever!!! I cannot get past them. I know I'm just short of 2 wks postpartum, but damn it...I wanted to be able to eat that seriously greasy bacon cheeseburger!!! Now just typing that makes me wanna GAG!!! I have been trying SO hard to keep up on my fluids as well. No such luck :( despit how hard I try even getting 60+oz in, isn't cutting it. 

ER

I've been to the ER twice in 2 weeks. Last week and this week. Hence twice in 2 weeks. Anyway....I went in for heart palpitations (which I have been told TWICE now are "typically harmless" yay, but they still scare the shit out of me!) difficulty breathing, and chest pain. Both visits resulted in IVs due to dehydration. Both resulted in EKG hook ups. One displaying bradycardia (slow heart rate) the other was fine. One visit got me hooked up to the big monitors for observation where they watched my blood pressure climb and climb and climb. The other the doc said, "meh ur not too bad, nothing to really worry about. One did a head CT and a chest X-ray after they saw my BP go to 180/100 while I sat on the uncomfortable gurney. I've never seen a nurse move so fast in my life. ER visit one---unexplained High blood pressure. Offered to admit me for observation (oh thank you god!!! Yes!!!), but clearly said, chances ate they won't find anything in such a short stay, and of course your baby (who was 4 days old) can't stay with you unless your husband chooses to stay but he wouldn't be very comfy as they don't actually have places for visitors to "sleep." OK well thanks ill follow up with my PCP

Second ER trip suggested I have a halter monitor for at least 72 hours. I'd actually prefer that!!! Anyway...

Called my PCP after both ER visits. 1st one he prescribes me Celexa for headaches and anxiety I am sure, even though he didn't come right out and say it. He tells me it is safe to take while breast feeding. I get the script and right on the bottle....do not BF while on this med. well, guess I won't be taking it then.  2nd call he gives me another script propranolol ER 60mg. "Safe" while BF. so I try it. Today was day 2. It hasn't made a difference yet. Its only day two. OH crap!!! I left the italics on that whole time!!!! Ugh that's lame!! Did research on both and both can be a really scary med, but can also be very helpful. However, when taking them together they have moderate contraindications!! Ugh omg!!! Seriously!!!! So at this point I still have not started the Celexa. And prolly won't unless he'd rather me on that instead of the propranolol. 

So most of yesterday I was having the worst chest pain and shortness of breath. Didn't matter what I was doing it hurt/bothered me the same. As the night went on it was more of a not being able to catch my breath along with a nagging cough that I've had for the past couple weeks. Hubby convinced me NO ER....but I think I will go today. It's been hours and everything all still hurts!! I hope my parents can watch the girls. 

ANYWAY.....

So Google is not a doctor, and when u know u shouldn't be looking symptoms up on it......u totally do. Mine all comes back to the same answers I'm either having a heart attack, angina, have a pulmonary embolism, anxiety/panic attacks ( which these are most likely) EXCEPT something popped up this time that hasn't before and it really got me to start thinking about it----adult asthma!!!   Which can be induced by PREGNANCY!!!! I couldn't believe it! As I was reading it I was hanging on every word as it is exactly how I feel!! All the symptoms everything. That is why is like to go to the ER to have them check it. 

I'll keep u posted!!! I'm going to try to sleep before the baby wakes up... Not sure It is possible, but I'm gonna try! 

Take care

Until Later

-~J 

And the medical issues continue....

I'm just going to paraphrase this:
Been having palpitations, shortness of breath, chest pain...all the same crap, headache etc. called the OB on Friday he suggested some caffeine, drink, drink, drink, AND eat!!! Which I did need to do!!

I called my neuro cuz the headache was resulting in me vomiting the night before etc.... Neuro said I needed to go to the ER bcuz of just having baby and having a "botched" epi...
So 5 hours later in the ER with my poor husband (who was bored out of his mind) and the newborn, they said I was dehydrated and gave me an IV and my Blood pressure began to skyrocket!!! It was crazy!! 157/78 was really the only one I remember besides the one the nurse took which was 180/101. And that's just crazy to me!!! But that's what he told me. So they checked my urine for protien, did a head CT and a chest X-ray along with some blood tests. All to tell me that they don't know what's wrong with me, but they were will to admit me for observation, but baby couldn't come with unless hubs stayed with. So obviously I said no because what mom would leave her 4 day old!?? Plus the doc said chances are, in 24 hours they be able to find anything wrong anyway.... WTF??? I just don't know anymore!!!

So my plan is:
1. Call my OB tmrw to follow up to give the info from the ER.
2. Ask my OB if he is willing to be my primary care physician. If not, I will transfer to Dr. B who is really cool and I think I can be more open to her. Although, I shouldn't feel that way about my OB, but he isn't my pcp.
3. Talk to whoever is going to be my pcp about: epi side effects, high BP, thoughts/fears of blood clot in my lung. Although, if I did have one of substantial size....I'd probably know it!!
4. Contact my counselor to talk about my anxiety and medications and to talk about the side effects of HG.
5.Follow up with my neuro appt on Wednesday.

Gosh, that's a lot of stuff!!! But I gotta do it, and I have to be proactive not reactive!!!

I may just be panicking and my body just went through a very traumatic 9 months and my hormones are everywhere!!!! But I admit I need help through this. I'm strong but I'm not strong enough to keep going on by myself.

Everyone can always use a little help from their friends ;)

Until Later
~J

Finally!!!! My birth blog!!!!

We went into the hospital just before 1pm on Monday, April 29. Got settled in and they broke my water. Once they broke it they noticed it was a greenish color, not clear like it should be. So that means that baby had a BM (meconium) in utero. As a precaution they have the nicu there when the baby is born.
So after a couple hours and my water being broke, I only had 1 contraction. So they decided to start pitocin; or as I call it the devil!
It started slow, no problems. Well, within 5 mins I was having full on contractions!!! OH BOY!!! The rule is u can't get an epidural without ur doc there. Mine just happened to still be working at the clinic. He got there in a decent amount of time as I was REALLY in A LOT of pain!!! A LOT!!! The anistesiologist (sp) showed up did some explaining and he started the epi. I was at 6 cm. and the epi wasn't working!!! My left foot was numb...that's about it!!! In about 45 mins I went from 6-10 with only my left leg numb from the knee down!!! The contractions were wicked insane and all I could do was inhale, exhale, count...it was the worst pain ever at the time, now I can't even remember it! A few pushes and at 8:47pm and Chitlin 2 was born!!!! She was blue but making noise. The nicu nurses who are awesome, took care of her. I couldn't see everything, but the hubs said they deep suctioned her, and one of the nurses, Michele, did tell me that she was on the Cpap machine for a few mins, but came around quickly. I think that I heard them report that her R lung didn't inflate at first, but it came around and she did great!!
I was praying for the instant HG relief, but it didn't come :/
The hospital stay went well and we came home on Wednesday :)

Until later
~J

Yay!!! She's here!!!

I know I've been off for a few days!!! Hope no one has missed me too much ;)

Our little bundle of joy was born on Monday night!!! I'm so happy!!!

Still nauseous and having some headaches and other side effects, but I'm pretty sure it is 90% epidural 10% HG.

I can't wait to post everything!!! No time now. I want to be able to take my time and get everything and everyone correct ;)

However, I'll give u a photo tease ;)

Thank you for all ur continued support!!!

Love,
Joleen

Waiting....it's always the hardest part. Lol

Well I called the hospital at 6am and they have me on "hold" I almost started crying 😞 not really, but I made it through the night and now this... 👎 She told me that once a couple babies were born then they would call me, but if I didn't hear from them by 10, I needed to call them back. Boo!!! Just more time to be nervous! Lol I showered and fell back asleep which is good because I need to conserve my energy. Now I should get up and eat something, but I'm still on the couch conserving. Lol
What a nerve wracking day!! I'm sure it's not going to get any better ;)

I'll keep updating

Until later
~J

Nervous!!!!

Yes I am getting nervous!! No idea what to expect tmrw!!! I've never had to be induced with Chitlin. I'm getting nervous because I don't know how long it will take, I don't know what to expect, I don't know if I'm going to be able to push enough, will I need to? Will it be 3 pushes and out or will it be 2 hours? Will my tachycardia hinder me? What about my shortness of breath?? (I still have anxiety I have a small blood clot in my lungs!! CRAZY I know!!!) will I need a c section?? Am I gonna puke while pushing because of my HG?? Will my HG be gone instantly or am I gonna be one of the lucky ones that has it for awhile after... Ugh....so many what ifs....

I'll keep u all posted!!!

Until Later
~J

Crappy night!!!

It is JUST 1am and I have been woken up 3x by my freaky fast HR, not being able to breathe, and panic!!! Great!!! I'm in for a long night. I wonder what I do differently during the day that causes this....I don't really think anything....maybe it's sleep apnea??!!! Idk, I'm just grasping at straws here and I just want them to stop because they are not helping my anxiety AT ALL!!! I'm sorry, but it down right puts me in a shear panic about why does this happen? What causes it, what are the effects of this happening?? Is this hurting my baby?? Is this brain related??? Ugh...I'm done. 1 more day!!! If I can make it 1 more day. Ugh now I'm getting barfy... So not cool!!

Until Later
~J

Nothing today...

Feeling better today, took some pix of the hubby cutting down trees, took a 2 hour nap, ate cereal for supper, now a migraine. Just waiting for Monday 6am to make our call.
Hitting the hay with extra strength Tylenol and zofran.

Until Later
~J

3:30 and it happens again.....

Up again at 3:30. Using the bathroom and dry heaving. This time complete with chills! Sooo ready for this to be over!!! Both episodes started while I was asleep and my heart began to race. Sigh....I haven't had that in two weeks. Needless to say, I'll be scrubbin the toilet again and praying my water breaks soon!!! This crap is getting old!!!

4:30 and I'm finally done vomiting and wetting my pants! There was a part of me that though just maybe it was my water but it was not. Just urine. That's nothing new! Lol
It's so early, I can hear the birds chirping outside!!! Boy, wish I could be that chipper at 4:35am!!! Maybe under different circumstances. Who knows?!

So I'm debating calling the doc office this morning. My doc and nurse are both out. I know they will put me through to another nurse. After vomiting like I did, I really should get fluids. Just don't know if I should call the office or right to the OB triage?? I suppose calling the office would be better. I just hate having my dad drive me because when I get fluids it's a 2+ hr ordeal and yeah he gets to sit in the room with me, but there isn't a whole lot going on in a clinic room. I could see if I can download Netflix on my kindle and have him watch a couple tv shows or movies.
Ugh....HG I HATE YOU!!! I am never going to allow u to ruin my life ever again!!!!

Until Later
~J

HG u ruin everything!!! E V E R Y T H I N G

Really??? 12:06 Friday morning and I'm scrubbin the toilet so I have something clean to puke in??!!! Ugh??? Again HZg is relentless and I hate it.
I was sleeping....soundly I may add....and all of a sudden I got really sweaty and barfy. Got up went to the bathroom. Realized quickly, I will be spending more time in here than I wanted tonight. Maybe it's a good sign??? Well I doubt that very much, but maybe I will vomit so hard my water will break!!! Hey, it could happen!!! You never know!!! Lol fingers crossed huh?
Although if it did break we'd have to hightail chitlin over to my parents, 10 mins in the opposite direction of the hospital, turn around and drive 35 mins to the hospital. Meh, we'd make it work! Lol ;)

Ugh I wish this feeling would go away!!! It really is a downer. Then pair it with dry heaves and it is just a recipe for disaster!

I wish I was sleeping, and I wish it was Monday morning at 6 so I would be calling the hospital. One good thing is, I am going to ASK for an IV when I do go to the hospital JUST so I can get IV zofran!!! That stuff is like gold!!!!

Until Later
~J

Nesting, nesting, nesting

Today I did so much!! Probably too much, but it needed to be done. Got the dresser in baby's room started sorting out the cloth diapers and clothes. Still need a few things. Chitlin was such a good helper today. She was helping so much I couldn't believe :)

I think she's really excited for the baby to be here!!! Just like me!!! And dad too ;)

Having some weird contractions. I don't think mine will ever be "normal" lol we will just see what happens ;) lol

Until Later
~J

Yucky day

I was hanging out some diaper inserts on the line since its sunny out. I came in an instantly started sweating!! Even my upper lip!! I sat down for a sec and I was WAY lightheaded!! It didn't help that my eyes were not adjusting from being out to in. I thought we'll maybe blood sugar?? Ate all carbs for bfast and it was after 12. So I chugged a bunch of Gatorade and ate a string cheese. Still feeling really lightheaded and dizzy got my BP cuff and that was good and my HR was okay under 100. I stopped sweating then got the chills INSTANTLY!! And the goose bumps wouldn't go away!!! Finally after about 5 mins and me getting a heavy sweatshirt on I've warmed up a bit, but am still feeling REALLY sick. I took my zofran and some Tylenol then made chitlin a lunch which was cheesy broccoli rice. I sat down to eat with her and now I'm second guessing that ALL together!! :( blech!!!

I hope this is just so per labor craziness. Idk, but it freaked me right out back to like week 11!!!

Doctor appt went well today!!

My doc appointment went well today. Got in got my vitals, BP good, pulse 120 resting :/ that's nothing new tho. Lol

I asked the doc if he would strip my membranes. He said yes. Whoo that hurt more then I remembered it with my first!!! I'm just hoping it will work. I've had some minor cramping, but nothing major. But then again I never had contractions with chitlin until after my water broke and even then they were very few! So this might work! ;) and it might not.

Doc also brought up induction. I was so excited!! He said he we call the hospital and see when they can schedule me!!!! So if this baby girl doesn't come before the 28th then I will be going in on the 29th!!! I need to call at 6am on the 29th to ask when they can schedule me. Typically the doc says its at 7 unless they have to many other women scheduled. then I will come in later. I cannot believe that within 6 days I will become a mom of 2 and we will go from a family of 3 to a family of 4!! So excited.

Ironically today was probably one of the worst nausea days I have had in weeks! And I mean dry heaving and thought I was going to lose it in the car!! I didn't so that's good!!! Migraine is pretty steady too but I'm hoping sleeping will help!!

Until Later
~J

Doc appt tmrw

Today I have felt crummy ALL day!! Short of breath, high pulse, nauseous, uncomfortable, my stomach actually Hurts, migraine and vision sensitivities. So really nothing new. Lol

Anyway...tmrw is my doc appt and let's hope for progression, stripping my membranes, and setting up an induction date. Perfect world scenerio would be 5-6 cms and being admitted ;) a girl can hope and wish can't she??!!! Lol

I will let u all know how it goes!

Until Later
~J

If I have to read one more....

Post on my baby forum of women having their babies I'm gonna lose it!!! Okay not really lose it but seriously??!!!! They are across the board 33-38 weeks. I'm seriously sitting her begging this baby to come out and she's just so damn snugly in there!!! I wouldn't be pushing it so much if I wasn't having all these crappin health issues and if I even felt 1/2 way decent, but man!!! I'm done. (Yeah I know I've said it before, but its because its the TRUTH!!!)
I've been having some pretty heavy migraines again and just want them to be over along with the nausea. Anyway....same old crap just a different day!!! Hoping this is over sooner than later.

Until Later
~J

Chitlin's birthday, what a great day!!

It was amazing and fun and I'm glad we got to spend the day with her!!! She is my most favorite 5 year old EVER!!!

I'm feeling really icky tonight. Just a lot going on through the day. The hubs went to pick up branches with chitlin ( from one of the recent wind storms) and I didn't want to be alone at home so I went with. I didn't help of course just sat and watched and did some walking for endurance building. It doesn't really count as endurance building when u can only walk about 100 feet before needing a break!!!
Chitlin had fun at first, then just wanted to ride on the 4 wheeler with dad. Her and I stuck it out together, until he was done. Came home made dinner and then chitlin and I lay on our bed watching bob the builder!!! Awesome right?!?! Love moments like that.

Now it's my bed time and I'm exhausted, barfy, have a front migraine and physically hurt. Time to sleep! Lol I was hoping I would have went into labor today so my two kiddos could have shared the same birthday but no such luck. I know there is 1.5 hours left in the day. Anything could happen ;) lol
Lets just say I'm ready for whenever Baby girl decides to come (soon I hope)

Until Later
~J

Tomorrow my Chitlin with be 5 years old!!!

I can't believe it!!! Chitlin is going to be 5 tmrw!! what the crap? Where has the time gone? I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to throw her an awesome birthday party with friends and all....BUT....HG had a different idea. So I guess birthday party #6 is gonna be AWESOME! LOL 

Had my dad drive em around the city today to a couple different stores to find her a spring jacket. you think i could find one? not one I liked! I ended up getting her one, but it doesn't have a hood. and it is black and gold! yuck! but i got it for her, if she doesn't like it we can return it. not a problem. My poor dad chauffeuring me around. Just cant do driving anymore it is just too exhausting. I have to do too many things at once. LOL I think he is okay with driving me around tho. 

Came home and I was done. laid on the couch until supper, then got up ate, and lay back down. Now typing on here getting chitlin ready for bed. I ca't wait to upload some pix! She is gonna be so happy! 

And what an awesome surprise we will have if Baby Girl comes tomrw!! oh it would be glorious! Chitlin is all ready to share her day with her. LOL hope she isn't disappointed if it doesn't happen!!





okay, off to get her in bed, and me to sleep too. bad headache STILL.....blech

Until Later
~J    

Feeling sick!!!

I feel so incredibly sick. I have a bad migraine and I'm beyond barfy! I will be so excited for the day I will not be barfy!!!

I went to target with the hubs tonight. I rode the sweet motorized cart!! He just walked next to me helping grab the things off the shelf. What a guy! Lol poor guy was probably so embarrassed!! The cart was so old and went so slow!!! Lol it was great. Anyway, we bought the rest of the stuff we needed for baby girl. We should be set for the first 3 months. Bottles, pacifiers, side snap onesies, playmat, sun shades....u name it we are ready ;)
Unfortunately this outing has caused me to be overly physically and mentally fatigued. So sad!!! :/ I cannot wait to get my body back and start working on me and getting things figured out. And the awesome bonus is.....baby girl will be HERE!!!

So tired!! Laying down....

Hugs everyone!!

Until Later
~J

God??? Are you there??? It's me, Joleen.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me go into labor early!!! I know 17 days isn't long, but ill be honest, I'm physically and emotionally drained!!! It's really taking a toll on me!!! I am grateful already to be pregnant with Baby girl, now I just need u to push things along!! Plus she is running outta room in there, and not moving nearly as much and it's freaking me out!!! I don't need the added anxiety!!!

Anyway....thank you for listening and taking me into consideration!!!! I REALLY appreciate it!!! REALLY I do!!!
Fingers crossed

Until Later
~J

Cleaning Chitlin's room and the neurologist

My mom came over today and helped me clean out Chitlin's room. We threw out a brown grocery bag worth of garbage and donated a kitchen garbage bag full of toys!! I wanted to do more but I couldn't. I was exhausted. And all I did was sit on the bed sorting things into bins. I needed a nap after that.

Dad drive me to my neurology appt. today. Everything with my headaches and occipital neuralgia seems to be doing well/better. I got one more injection today in 2 different places. The back of my skull is sore, but I know it will be better tmrw.

Really ready for this baby to be here. Hoping she gets my hints!!! She hasn't been as active, but I'm guessing its because she's running out of room. My next dr appt is Tuesday. I'm going to ask him to strip my membranes and I am going to express to him my concerns about this baby's size. Lilly was a peanut at 7.2 and she came out with a small abrasion on her head and I tore. Which wasn't as bad as it could've been but I did need stitches. So ill be bringing that up!!!

I had a great night sleep last night and I hope for it again tonight!!

Until later
~J

Pedicure, no baby...yet! Lol

My parents drove me to town so I could get my pedicure. It felt awesome!! My feet look good and they feel great as do my calves!! If u know me, u know I HATE having my feet touched!! But today was worth it! <3
The rents took me and chitlin out for lunch too. Half way through....I knew I had done too much. Made it through but as soon as we got to their house I lay down for 2 hours!! I was exhausted!!! Felt better after lying down, headed home and took chitlin to the library. We were there about 20 mins she picked her books and movies and she even colored a pix. Then it was home where I laid down for the rest of the night!
The hubs took chitlin out to the farm and walked the trails while I didn't move! ;) it was nice.

If u wouldn't mind send me some positive vibes to get this little girl moving!!! My next appt is the 23rd and I am going to stand my ground and ask for my membranes to be stripped!!!' No ifs ands or buts!!

Until Later
~J

Dr appt today- felt blown off

I felt like my appt today was a total waste of time :(
I was in and out in less than 15 mins. THAT NEVER happens!! I only saw the doc for 4 mins. Didn't even do a cervical check on me!!! What???!!! It was so rushed! I really think I could have skipped this appt and stayed home.
I did manage to ask if he was going to check me and he said, "next week" Wth??? Sooo disappointed!!!

So now my goal is to try my hardest to have this baby on my own! Lol not sure how I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna try! LOTS of old wives tales out there. I'm sure some of them work!! Lol
Anyway, gonna head outside with chitlin before it gets to windy and more rain comes. Snow later this week. Blech

Until Later
~J

A day to recoup

Spent the whole day down and out. On and off napping, lots of zofran, and lots of Tylenol. It was worth it to see my family and for chitlin to have a much needed afternoon out!!
Doc appt tmrw, going in and begging him, seriously begging for him to strip my membranes and to set up an induction for the 22nd. I think that they are both fair requests considering my health. Both physical and mental!!!
Ill let u know how it goes!!!

Until Later
~J

Mini watermark visit

My sister and nephew, and her cousin and daughter came down to the Big City to visit us this weekend. We were supposed to stay over night at the hotel, but I just couldn't. They had a mini water park for little kids and it was a lot of fun. I kept my butt parked in a chair 99% of the time and the hubs 1:1 chitlin. It was fun to watch!! I did get nervous a few times because the kiddos were being a little too brave in the water. But with there being 1 adult for each kid it was nice.
After swimming for 2 hours we went out to eat to the restaurant attached to the hotel. It was yummy and kids ate for free :) BONUS!!! During supper though I really started to get sick. Nauseous, hot, bad headache, muscle pain. I think it was from being upright for 4+ hours and being actively engaged. I'm physically and mentally exhausted! It was A LOT of fun!!! But, I have a feeling I will be recovering from this for a couple days!!!

Hitting the hay
Until Later
~J