My wish for 2013--I wanna be normal again

Disclaimer: this is gonna be a whiney post. A post about me not wanting HG ruining my life anymore.

I wanna be normal!!! Well, as normal as normal can be. Or as I can be? Or be me? I don't know? LOL!!

I'm tired of HG running my life. I want to be able to sit in the living room and watch TV with my family and not have to worry about: the gross smells, the sound level, the movement of TV. The way my body feels on the couch. So dumb!

I don't want to be so hyper-aware of what is happening in my body. I don't want to feel my heartbeat thudding in my chest slowing picking up pace, feel it at the base of my skull or behind my left eye.
I don't want to be aware of my breathing and how it quickens. I don't want to be aware that if I bend my arm too long it goes numb and takes 3-5 mins to get rid of the tingling. I don't want to be aware that my muscles tighten, twitch, and cramp up or that for the heck of it my left toes lose feeling in them!! And I surely don't like the feeling that I am going to throw up but I can't. It's the random desire to want to throw up in hopes that u will feel better but u don't.
UGH

22weeks and 1 day...still having my life ruled by HG. Lame! 125 days left in this pregnancy to meet our beautiful little girl. WHO by the way is NOT happy with me laying down in bed right now! I love u too baby.

125 days to stay strong for this baby and for my chitlin. I need to get through this to be the best mom I can be to my 2 girls. I need to get through this so I can be normal again!

2013 be good to me, my family, my friends, my coworkers, my acquaintances, EVERYONE!!

Until Next Year
~J

PS not that u can see...BUT that is MC Hammer with Psy?? Doing gangnam style??? God I'm old!! I was thinking Hammer was coming out to do 2 legit quit! LOL!!

MEDS....I forgot I wanted to post this!!

So here is a picture of, i think, everything I am taking. I'm going to try and list everything without looking at the pic:
Unisom 25mg paired with 25-50mg B6 (take at bed time)
Prenatal gummies x2 (take whenever)
5 million strain probiotic 1/8 tsp (mix in a protein drink or yogurt whenever)
Vitamin B complex 50mg of most everything in there (take at night)
Stool softener paired with 33mg iron pill. My gummy prenatals don't have iron. And zofran causes consto like NO OTHER!!
Generic Zantac 75 I try to only take when needed. No more than 2 a day
Generic zofran (odansatron) 12-16 mg a day. Typically every 4 hrs I take 4mg. These past 2 days tho I've skipped my morning pill ;) yay!!!
Tylenol up to 1000mg every 8 hours. I don't take this often as it doesn't seem to help for aches and pains etc.
so what is that?? 10 or so different things I am taking.
Last pregnancy I only too my prenatals and an occasional tums. CRAZY what HG does to a person!!
Ok going to bed now!!!

Until Later
~J

Feeling Off

I don't like this feeling, it's hard to explain. It's where u feel different than u normally do, but u aren't sick, or tired, or hot, or cold, you are just "OFF."
For me feeling off results in a few things....ANXIETY and all the lovely things that go along with it, vomiting and all the awesome things that go with that, taking a crap, either constipation or diarrhea, and lastly wanting to fall asleep quickly so I don't feel "OFF."
Tonight I don't think it is going to happen tho.
I have to work tomorrow at 8am. I have to wait until 930 to take my meds. Then I will be out! (I hope).
I know I have talked about anxiety before, but it really is a horrible beast. It makes u think things are happening when they really aren't. It can be sounds, or physical feelings, or seeing or not seeing things. It is JUST crazy. I've been trying most recently the positive self talk method. I'd say 60% of the time it works. I do use distraction a lot including ice cubes in my hands and cold water over my hand. It slows the heart rate naturally. I also read as a distraction! That helps. Sometimes I need to YELL at the anxiety. Yeah, weird I know, but I just can't let it "takeover" and by screaming no or stop at times it helps. I will be so happy when this pregnancy is over and I will be done with all of this crap. I just want baby girl here and be done. THAT is something anxiety can never take from me, baby girl!
Ok enough rambling about me feeling off and holding on to ice cubes. I have a night time routine to do and I need to do it!

Until Later
~J

Weening....lets give it a try

Today I decided I would try to ween off some of the zofran meds. I'm currently taking 16mg a day. Which is 4mg 4x. Yes, I am a math genius incase u didn't know ;)
I'd like to get to 12 or even 8 if possible.
Typically I take them at 730, 1130, 3, and 7. Give or take a half hour either way.
Today I didn't wake up until 9, so I was already late. Perfect time to try.
I didn't take my first pill until 1pm. By 430 I was dry heaving :/ and über nauseous. But, I just took a pill then, and now I will take one between 830-9, because I will also take my unisom and B6 tonight.
I'm really hoping I can be down to 12mg as the headaches I have had recently have been HORRIBLE!!! I did go to the store today and buy a memory foam pillow and mattress topper. If anything, my hips and shoulders won't hurt from being such a pressure point!!! Ill let u know how it goes tmrw.
For now I'm watching some Harry Potter and enjoying memory foam.

Until Later
~J

Laughing, Hex Bugs, and of course Nausea!!!

I went to work this morning despite my body not wanting to. And I am soo glad I did!!! Dani and I got laughing so hard I practically was hyperventilating!!!!! I can't even remember what we were laughing about...but it didn't matter, we were having fun, and I felt "normal." I also got to see Elizabeth and chat with her. Even tho it was ever so briefly, I enjoyed my time with her too!!! "DJ" Scott brought me 2 mix CDs too!! Awesome!!! Kelly is always there for a good laugh too and is one of the best schedulers ever!!! Angie and I got to take stinky weights out of the pockets of our newly donated weighted vests, lap pads, and blanket :) we always end up talking about pregnancy and babies :) it felt good to be "normal" today.

Hex Bugs: they took over my dinning room tonight!! Chitlin got a whole lot of hex bugs from grandma. She just loves them!!! Watching chitlin chase them all over the floor was great!!

Nausea: well that's pretty self explanatory!!! I was seriously thinking today about trying to ween myself off 1 of my generic zofran pills a day. The headaches from the zofran are getting to be a bit much and they move all over my skull and cause hot spots on my head. WEIRDEST feeling ever to just have ur head get hot in one spot, then a little while later it's in a different place! Bizarre let me tell u!!
I'd like to buy some new pillows for my bed too. Yes I said MY BED ;) poor hubby!! Maybe tonight ill let him sleep in there since I don't work in the morning ;)
Our poor couch has never been used sooo much! We are going to need that plastic accordion cushion lifer thing they sell on infomercials and in the "as seen on TV" spot at Walmart and Walgreens!!! Lol

Ok, off to get chitlin ready for bed and me to lay down.... Side note....I wonder if I am going to get a flat head from being on my back so much and in bed so much. I mean it happens with babies ....granted their skulls aren't 100% hard yet....I may have to google this ;)

Until Later
~J

Lets try mashed potatoes again

I came home from work sick today. :( ugh...I had stopped and got food prior to work and couldn't eat it. I couldn't even drink the root beer :( that's when u know it bad :(
I made it home and my wonderful parents offered to keep chitlin overnight!!! (Thank you Lord) I dropped off extra clothes and jammies at their house and gave Chitlin lots of hugs and kisses!!! I love that kid! She looked at me and said, "mom, r u sick again?" Ugh defeated! I gave her a big hug and tons of kisses on her cheek and just squeezed her!

I made it home with my head spinning my left side throbbing, and my left eye closed. Yikes, crawled into bed and just lay there. I couldn't do anything. Everything hurt, and the room spinning. Nausea runs rampant when I feel like this and the anxiety hits because I never know if I am going to throw up.
I knew I needed to eat something so I asked, no, told my hubs to make me instant mashed potatoes WITHOUT salt! He looked at me like I was crazy, "no salt?!?!"
"Yes, NO, NADA, SALT!"
And yes, he made them right ;) I was able to eat them. Still nothing to drink tho. Gonna try again in a little bit take my meds and sleep.

Positive note for the night:
Baby girl doesn't like it when this mama lays on her tummy. Why is this positive??? Cuz I get wonderful baby kicks to give me reminders of why all this suffering is worth it.

Until Later
~J

Thank you, (takes a bow, is overwhelmed), Thank you

I just need to say that this girl is very overwhelmed by all the support that has been given the last 2 days. it is very humbling. When you have HG you feel VERY alone, and with all my great friends, I know that I won't be anymore! (not that i was Truly alone before either, but you tend to isolate yourself for fear of vomiting all over someone, their car, their dinner plate, the restaurant...you get the idea.  LOL!!! I mean, if you can get your butt out of bed! 

anyway...today i worked. it was interesting.  i had to keep reminding the kiddo that i was working with that even tho my belly doesn't look like there is a baby in there....THERE IS A BABY IN THERE!!! she kept giving me huge bear hugs, which I LOVE, but....OUCH...and Baby girl...yeah, she wasn't to fond of the squeezing either. 

I went to the local co-op store and got my Vitamin B complex and then an additional pantothenic acid (B5). I did really good value wise =D. I made a stop at my parents (will blog about this after), and then went home. I opened the vitamins, took em down and THEN looked at the info on the back. I had looked at it at the store too, but NOT nearly as close as I SHOULD have! OH Dear LORD!!!

So I got the lower end B Complex just 50mg of each and then the 500mg of B5. I am thinking in my head I can take up to 6grams of B5 this will be good start with 1 a day and go up to 2 and prolly stay right around there. Yeah....WRONG! LOL!!! its 6 MILLIGRAMS not GRAMS!!! OMG! now that is if you are absorbing it correctly and chances are I AM NOT! but still, I just dropped $25 bucks on Vitamins that are "too potent" for me. BLAHHHHHHHH!!!!! only I would do that! But then I started thinking, um....it can't be that potent if they sell it in 500mg capsules. So....eh..If you are interested in them, I will send them to you free of charge! they are all yours. no joke!

So, I will be finishing off the B complex as it was just 50mg of the B vitamins except for some of the others. and I will take that until it is gone, then lower my does to the other, unless I start to get the hershey squirts. WHICH is one of the side effects of too much B5. But it said you would need like 10 grams of that to happen and it is water soluble so your body just dumps it.

Onto the next part of my post tonight....Christmas gifts. My MIL was very gracious as she is every year to supply us with much needed toilet paper, paper towel, dishwasher tabs, kleenex, and wiper fluid for our cars, along with some other fun items. This year was like no other. The chitlin got spoiled like always! She loved every min of it!

My aunt gave me a gift for Christmas that I hope to hand down through the generations. As she has done for me.  It is a figurine of an old woman selling Balloons. Yes, I know it sound enthralling doesn't it?!!?!?!?! but really it is the meaning behind the actual figurine. For as long as I can remember this figurine sat in my Grandparents' house, it belonged to my Grandma. And for as long as I remember I LOVED looking at it and knowing it was in the house. I was never allowed to play with it as it was breakable...and I was a clumsy 5 year old! LOL!!! anyway....I have been in LOVE with this figurine for the better half of 27 years! 
The hubs hands me a wrapped box and I open it. David's Cookies??? umm...that's weird...I like cookies, but why would she give me cookies? the tape looked original...It was not! I couldn't get the tape off so Hubs gets it open and opens the flaps for me and hands me the box. I glance in the box and I INSTANTLY start to bawl! Hubs freaks out, "What's wrong?? What's in the box? What just happened???" he is clueless...My mom who knows the whole story is watching and begins to laugh; I believe to cover up her own emotions. I am speechless, bawling looking at this figurine that I can just make out through the bubble wrap.  Chitlin comes over and looks and says, "Its just soap mom!" yes there were 2 bars of FABULOUS french milled soap in the box as well. LOL only Chitlin would be able to make me smile! LOL. My mom then proceeds to call my aunt and hands me the phone. I am in no way shape or form able to talk. I am speechless and still bawling. 
The significance of this figurine is my grandma. It was her, It was her telling me that I AM going to make it through this HG, and I AM going to have a healthy baby girl and, I have all the support I need. Whew....Emotional coaster right here folks.....i prolly cried for 15 mins. The hubs still confused but by this time was sucked into the TV as no one was answering his questions, and hey, my parents have cable, we don't! LOL!!! Take advantage. 

My aunt and I talked tonight. She told me she was about my age (32) when my grandma gave her that figurine.  And she just knew that the time was right to pass it along. The significance is there, my grandma is here. I am so happy, and I am happy to let you all know that we will be naming baby girl after my Grandma! This was decided prior, but still...man....ROLLER COASTER.....and I don't mean like the "Whizzer" at six flags, you all know the one I am talking about....I mean roller coaster like....like...."Shockwave" anyway...
Thank you all for your continued support of me and my family. It is soooo appreciated and VERY humbling.

ahhhh 10:35! I gotta get to bed! I work in the morning...work? what's that! Wish me luck I feel well in the morning. 

 
Oh my gosh, i almost forgot the picture of the figurine. This is one i grabbed off the net. 

Until Later
~J  

I made it Facebook Official

I didn't plan on it, but talking with a fellow HGer awhile back she said putting her HG out there was the best thing she did. I contemplated that for awhile...she said it helped her have more support. On days when she was beyond depressed or even just randomly people would post on her page happy thoughts, give prayers, etc. and she appreciated it all! I can see how that could help!!! In a lot of ways it's similar to my blog.

Tonight I made my pregnancy FB official and tomorrow I will make it HG official. I'm contemplating making my blog FB official, but I think I HAVE to to spread the word about HG.

I want to thank you all (new and old) who continue to read this. It is very therapeutic and I am happy to share this part of my life with you.

I'm off to bed, I've taken all my meds and an extra sleeper. The nausea just isn't subsiding tonight. It really doesn't help I have a crap load of snot draining down my throat!!! Pleasant huh??? Mmmm.... Glad you've finished eating! Lol

Merry Christmas Everyone

Until Later
~J

Not doing good ;(

Tonight is not good :( I'm on the verge of throwing up. I have a bad migraine, my muscles on my left side hurt...the usual crap. I'm laying on the couch with the tingling feeling all over.....my anxiety is creeping and I'm not ok with it. The hubs says togo to bed, but I don't want to be alone right now :( I don't wanna feel like this. I know I'll be more comfortable in bed. But I don't wanna sleep yet either, because I will have to wake up to take my meds.
If I can just make it to bed time! I know I will, but I'm just blechy....

Christmas was great! I lasted the whole time but obviously I'm exhausted. Even blogging is to much right now.

Good night

Until Later
~J

Happy Christmas Eve

Hope you all have had a great day with ur family! We decorated Christmas cookies (yes i know they are pumpkins!!! they were 1/2 price!!) and Santa came and moved the Chitlin's tree by the big tree and put her gifts under HER tree ;) How special!!! Sure hope she likes the idea!!! She left cookies for the big guy too, but they're already gone.

Today was a low key day. I choose to stay home and not pick up those last few stocking stuffers. I didn't want to get sick while out and about knowing tomorrow we go to the mother in law's. it's only 15 mins away, but I still wanna make sure I feel good. It's Christmas for goodness sake!!!
Merry Christmas from my family to yours.

Until Later
~J

I really do love my husband....

Really I do!!! He just is not allowed to sleep in the same bed or room as me until this baby is born. I love u sweetie, but I can't take all the moving and noises. (Even with the ear plugs)
I really appreciate u sleeping in the living room. I've offered to blow up the air mattress and put it in the office...he politely declined ;)
Im very thankful for a husband that is truly concerned about my sleep quality. I guess it's kind of like the gift that keeps giving! Lol if I get enough sleep and I'm happy; he won't have to deal with prego-Zilla!

Until Later
~J

Low on vitamin B5

I didn't even know this could happen. And apparently it is very rare to have an actual deficiency.

This morning I was reading through one of my many baby forums I have now become addicted to. Hey, you try laying in bed for weeks trying to keep your brain active! It will happen to you too! Ha ha!! Anyway... One of the girls in her signature line had something to the effect of surviving a B5 deficiency. Well of course this piqued my interest as in the past I had such a severe B12 deficiency I required weekly shots!! (That's a whole nother story!)
I of course googled it which led me to webmd, Wikipedia, and multiple other sites. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It seriously fits me to a T!! Right down to the burning feet!!! Shortly after my big episode at 6 weeks my feet would burn every night between 10-12. The most bizarre thing. My OLD OB suggested athlete's foot! Ugh... It would burn all the time. Anyway, it went away after a couple of weeks. The other signs are unexplained numbness and tingling in ur extremities, muscle cramps, lethargy, insomnia, nausea, vomiting, and hormonal imbalances, etc.
It also stated it is rare because most people eat a balanced diet and B5 is in a lot of foods. Well.....when u have HG there is no such thing as a balanced diet! Or a diet for that matter. And thusly the sites state it is very common among PREGNANT WOMEN!!!
They suggest talking to ur OB if u want to start supplements. Ummm...YES!!! I will be calling on Monday!!!! And I am going to just ask if its okay I start the supplements. I'm already on B6 so what's another one?? They suggest 6mg per day for pregnant women under the direction of your OB.
Maybe I am so excited because this is a possible "fix" for some of my side effects, and its something that can easily BE FIXED. Who knows if my OB will approve me to take it or not, but if he does, I'd be happy even for the placebo effect! Lol!!
I'll keep u posted!!!

Until Later
~J

Xpress redi set go

http://www.redisetgo.com/

I am sucked into this infomercial!!!! I've always LOVED this one!!!

I sure wish I could eat food! :/

Until Later
~J

Food, ketones, ER, and a wedding outfit

I miss it! I don't know what happened in the last couple of days but food just doesn't sound, smell, or taste good :( what the heck happened?! Ugh, maybe because I ran out of A & W root beer! Lol!! I picked up some organic root beer tonight.....ummmm.... Yeah pretty gross! :( but I will keep trying to drink it and keep it down. Please send me some positive vibes that I can start eating some more!!! Maybe some instant mashed potatoes WITHOUT salt ;)

My ketones were +3 today a little lower than yesterday but still high. If they are up tomorrow I will head to the ER in the big city for fluids. I prolly really should have gone today, but I had to go into work, then to the grocery store for said yucky tasting root beer.

A couple ladies from my HG board suggested looking into going up to Labor and delivery for my fluids instead of going to the ER. I will ask when I go tomorrow.

Spent some couch time with the chitlin reading books about babies tonight :) it was a lot of fun :) I miss those times.

I also ordered 4 outfits online today for the wedding I am in on Jan 5th. My bestie is awesome for the fact she gave me the rules: black and no sweatpants. Lol!!! I'm really hoping that SOMETHING I bought will work ;) she also is being REALLY accommodating knowing my limitations! I'm so happy to call her my best friend! I can't wait to share her special day with her!!!

Ok, I'm either going to bed or taking a bath. I will decide when I get up off the couch ;)

Until Later
~J

Eyelash dandruff??!! Oh it's real alright!!!

So about 2 weeks ago I noticed along with my über dry face my eyelashes/eyelids were getting, for lack of a better term, "crusties" on them. Mostly just my left (of course!!!) anyway, I google eyelash dandruff....yes there really is such a thing. Has an official name that starts with a B. ANYWAY, it just explained what it was and additional signs and symptoms and ways to "cure" it at home. Basically close ur eyes really really right and lightly rub with dandruff shampoo. Well tonight my eye is really hurting with all the other stuff happening and so I look in the mirror and jeepers freaking creepers I have a sty on my darn lid!!! Right at the bottom of it right where it meets the lower lid!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Add another check mark against me!! I told the hubs to come look at it and he refused, while laughing half heartedly saying....what else is going to go "wrong" during this pregnancy??!!!

I sure as heck do not know what else could go wrong and I sure do not want to find out!!! I just have to snicker at the absurdness of this all, I mean seriously, I can't make this crap up if I tried!!! Eyelash dandruff!!!! A tonsil abscess???!!!! An eye sty!!!??? I just shake my head at it all!!!! Just shake my head and think to myself....REALLY???!!!!

I'm going to bed before anything else becomes noticeably wrong or malfunctioning tonight!!!

Until Later
~J

Ketones....Again....UGH

So just for the heck of it I checked my Ketones again today. This morning they were small so I didn't really think too much of it. But as you know, as the day wore on, I was feeling more and more sick and was dry heaving most of the afternoon. Anyway, once the Hubby got home and I rested for a while I decided to check my urine again for ketones, just because I can. OMG!!!! I was at a +4 that is really high!!! It is crazy high. I have had high ketones before, and I have felt this same "sick" you know the standard: Dry heaves, vomiting, tight arm, numb leg, left eye pressure, etc. When I had those symptoms in prior weeks it was before I had my test strips. So tonight i was able to make the association that when my ketones are high and I am in "starvation, dehydration" mode, my body has physiological changes to let me know that something is wrong!!! I immediately ate some Mr. Freeze popsicles, and drank some water. I tried to eat but, I wasn't able to take more than 2 bites.  *sigh* I will see how I am feeling tomorrow and if I am still positive for ketones, I guess it is another trip to the ER. I wish I could stash all the cash that we have spent on ER visits for a vacation! I would be able to go to Hawaii!!! ( i am not even kidding!!!) or, I could have just taken all this time off of work, because we could have used the "ER" money. so frustrating but SOOOO necessary. 

Until Later
~J

It's a........

We had our anatomy scan today. Seems like everything is good I'm 20w4d and baby is measuring 20w3days. I'm so relieved as I was so worried the baby would be small.

Of course I had to have a big production upon entering the office my HG in full force!! I have never seen a woman run so fast to get me something to vomit in!!! I was dry heaving so bad!!! My left arm is tight and my leg numb. Just like when I was 14-15 weeks or so. I never did actually vomit, but I sooooo could have :/

The US Tech was great and showed us all the measurements and explained a lot of things to us. I'm very thankful for that. We even got to see the umbilical cord going into the placenta and baby!!! She said its very rare to have them so close to each other to take a pic that way :)
Baby was VERY shy and didn't want to show off the "goods" finally babes moved and we got confirmation that we are in fact having a GIRL!!!! Yay!!!!! Super excited. The US tech was very sensitive to my HG also and would ask if I was okay or if we needed to stop. I didn't want to stop I just wanted it over with!!! I think she was afraid I was going to vomit on her, and for good reason too!!!

I made it home I'm in bed in the dark posting from my iPod. I am afraid to move as I don't want to vomit. It's been 3 weeks!! 3 freakin weeks since I vomited! I really thought THIS horrible feeling would be gone by now. Guess I'm the lucky one to have HG for the whole duration. Lucky me! I just wish it wouldn't roller coaster...I can't handle the "bad" days when I have had "doable" days.
Well the hubs is home so I am going to try and sleep. Hopefully tmrw I can post some pictures for u all.

Until Later
~J

No please don't give me C-Diff!!!

This cold/tonsil crap is horrible!!! I feel so bad! I have had a non stop migraine at the base of my skull on the left side. And my left eye is pulling again. I haven't had these symptoms in soooo long!!! In over a month easily. And then something so "little" causes it all to come back. I'm trying to eat but it's hard as I feel so nauseous all the time. It's like I'm regressing! Blah!!!

The antibiotic the PCP gave me has me freaking out because it is widely known for causing C-diff! And I am really freaking out about that. My anxiety is pretty hog with the migraine pain and this med!! If u don't know what C-diff is, google it, then wish u didn't!!! Lets just say slimey, bloody diarrhea, that's very catchy!!! And not good for pg women!!! I had the hubs get me some yogurt. Because of the good bacteria in it. To help replenish what this antibiotic is stripping out of my belly!!! Well, it's been over a year since I have eaten yogurt. I used to really like yogurt.....yeah not so much anymore! I gagged it down. I haven't had any milk products except for hard cheeses in a VERY long time!!! And now my belly is doubly upset!

Why can't I just have a normal pregnancy! I know it seems like I am whining today, but ugh....lets get this over with. Every day longer with these symptoms, makes me realize its one day LONGER I'm having this wicked HG! It just won't take a hint!!! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE HG!!!! You can leave at ANY time!!!!

This whiner is going to bed. Yes I know it's only 3:49pm....I'm well aware!!!

Until Later
~J

Peritonsillar abscess, snow day, ultrasound

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peritonsillar_abscess

Awesome!!!! Not!!! Lets just say, it doesn't surprise me one bit if I have this!!! Ugh!!! Load on the diagnoses!!!

Went to the doc for left ear nose and throat pain. Only the left, the right side is fine. Just like everything else in this pregnancy. Anyway....he did a rapid strep test. It came back neg and he decided to culture it just in case because my left tonsil is swollen. The doc suspects because its enlarged that food or one of my bajillion pills got stuck in one of the folds, causing irritation and possibly a hidden abscess. So he has me on an antibiotic. Yes, another freaking pill that my life will revolve around its schedule!!! Of course, it is take every 6 hours....blech. I hope that this helps. I hate the idea of having to take an antibiotic while pregnant, but what can u do?

I'm gonna take some meds and go to bed! I hope tonight I can sleep on my left side. Last night I couldn't. Every time I rolled on my left side everything began to drain and instantly stuffed me up! Ugh it was gross and annoying. Feeling snot drain down ur throat when u are already nauseous....man, indescribable!!!! Lol

Oh my gosh! I almost forgot!!! SNOW DAY tomorrow!!! Yahoo!!! Sent the hubby to get cookies to bake tmrw! Yummy!!!

Also, I did reschedule my ultrasound!!! The big city doctors were really awesome about making sure to keep my anatomy scan in the 20 weeks! Sooo that means we r going on Friday!!! I am so happy that I switched OBs!!! So happy!!!

Okay I'm exhausted and sick. Night all!

Until Later
~J

Sore Throat and Ultrasound

Today and tonight i have been fighting a sore throat. and I don't mean, "oh I think i may have a sore throat." No, I mean a full blown scratchy, red on fire sore throat! I looked with a flashlight...but not white spots...YET!  I know they will be there tomorrow! I just KNOW it! I should have made a doc appointment today for tomorrow. But then, can I even take anything? do they give antibiotics to prego ladies? i suppose they can, they give them COCKTAILS of LOTS of other drugs, whats a little mold? Anyway, for the last 2 hours i haven't said a word because my throat hurts so bad. LAME! 

OK, time for some more LAME news....

Our Ultrasound....I know I said I was going to call and change it, but I didn't. The hubs suggested to see how the weather is on Thursday since it is in the afternoon. and we can always reschedule after. I just hope that the snow is DONE by noon, the blowing can continue, but I wanna see my baby!!!! and I don't wanna wait any longer than i have too!  although the longer we wait the more weight the baby will have on them! lol

i am anxious because I want to make sure that this little jumping jack kitten is growing on schedule! With all the weight that I have lost, I want to make sure everything is okay. I still am wearing my regular clothes and have LOTS of room in them. the plus size is I don't have to be spending money on maternity clothes this time around. not yet anyway. hopefully I can just wear my yoga pants the rest of the time. SO COMFY!!! 

okay gots to go. time for my meds, and I am hitting the hay....I AM TIRED and my body HURTS!!!

Until Later
~J

Because I need a positive pick me up ending...

To a shitty day! For sure on a scale of 1-10 today was a 7 then a 4 and now back to 7!

I need something positive to think of so I'm posting about frosting cookies. Chitlin and I frosted them yesterday. Granted they weren't homemade cutouts but a cookie is a cookie. Sorta!!! Lol!

Hope u enjoy it as much as we did.

I'm going to bed.

Until Later
~J

HG I Hate You!!! No, no, I LOATH YOU!!!

I knew last week was too good to be true!!!! Ugh!! *shaking my head* I'm so discouraged on how I feel today!!! I just want to crawl into a hole and curl up and sleep this all off!!! Tomorrow has got to be better right??? IT HAS TO BE I'M 20w1d!!!!

I want off this damn tilt a whirl called HG so I don't have to be nauseous anymore and go on with my life!

Of course....why not??

* this was originally posted 12/16/12 but it didn't upload. Sorry it's out of order.

After a good day, right on Cue 8pm rolls around and I am instantly gaggy. I didn't even have to look at the clock, I just knew what time it was. Trying to enjoy Survivor, and I can't even keep both my eyes open. Blech!!! Signing off and closing my eyes. After 48% sleep last night (per my sleep cycle app) I am due!!! Hubby back on couch for sure!

Until Later
~J

It's Monday....of course it is!!

So I can't believe I forgot this yesterday, BUT.....I am officially HALF way through my pregnancy!!!!! Yesterday was 20 weeks!!!! Today is 20 weeks 1 day!!! Yay for it being Monday and me making it over the hump!!!
We are supposed to have our diagnostic ultrasound on Thursday this week. I say supposed to because they are predicting a HUGE snowstorm on Thursday! Ugh...I hope they are wrong!! I'm half tempted to call today and change my appointment!! I think I will :)
Anyway yahoo for half way!! I can say I never thought I'd ever make it!

Until Later
~J

The Guilt and the Fear

Tonight, I was chatting with a fellow HGer.  She is on her SECOND pregnancy with HG! Yes, I give her the most props!!! I had forgotten how far along she was and she told me 14w3d (14 weeks and 3 days). When you have HG, you count every month, week, day, hour, minute.....You are always aware of how far you have come and how much longer you have to go. it's always there. A victory waiting to be had if you get through the morning, you made it through the night! YES, mark that day off the calendar! IT is DONE!!!

She mentioned to me that she cried the other night, thinking that she has 26 weeks to go. 26 weeks!!! That's nothing! but to her, it is a lifetime! To me, it's forever! 26 weeks is: 182 days (roughly 3 times the gestational period of a dog), 4368 hours, 262080 minutes....26 weeks...it can't come fast enough!

It made me think, of where I was at 14 weeks. Its all a blur. i try to differentiate the weeks, but really...I know that 2 weeks ago, i was starting to feel "ok" before then, it was not good. 

Week 6 my "stroke like experience" which i now recognize as SEVERE dehydration and the start to my HG. Funny thing of that day....I never got an IV! Can you imagine?! never did. *shaking my head* who knew tho? the ER doc in another town, didn't know me, i presented with stroke symptoms but no stroke. Scary! I talked to my then OB about it, she told me it was my anxiety causing the symptoms. BOY WAS SHE WRONG!

after that it all went down hill, and fast! it is so hard to sit here and try and even type what I went through. It brings back dark memories that I don't want to remember and thoughts, that I am not proud of. But really....When you are that sick, you aren't in your right mind anyway. 

The darkness, the depression, the pain, the hurt, the begging and pleading with God or whoever would listen to just make the pain go away.  The deal making, I made sooo many deals! But the powers that BE...They knew we wanted this baby, they knew (even when I didn't) that I was strong enough to make it through.  

I was able to make it through the constant vomiting, dehydration, not eating, not drinking, spinning, dizziness, gagging, dry heaving, crying, guilt, worthless feeling, anxiety,  Whew...I can't keep going, I am already crying typing this.....

Times now with HG seem to be fewer and farther between. But I fear that when I am here with my guard down, It will all come back full force. (and I am aware that it can and most likely will)

The worst, is the guilt and the fear.  The guilt of being a bad mom and wife. The guilt of being a bad employee and co-worker. The guilt of being a bad friend because you cant go out and do anything let alone answer the phone. The guilt that in my many moments of weakness, I wished for anything that would take this pain away.

The fear. The fear that my wishes would come true. That I would fall asleep and everything would be done and my husband would be a alone and my beautiful daughter would grow up without me.  The fear that i would have a miscarriage and the baby that my husband and i wanted so badly would be a mournful pain and memory for me/for us. The guilt that accompanies these two thoughts are outstanding, and it is something that I will have to live with. I realize that it is a part of life and a part of grief. I know that the intensity will not always be there, and when we are holding out new baby in our arms, the thoughts will not even be in our brains; but the memory of the guilt and the fear will always be there. (Let's hope not! Let's hope the memory is erased forever! ---i am banking on this!)

So, 26 weeks to go, its a lifetime! babies that are born at 26 gestational weeks,  more likely than not WILL SURVIVE!  They are fighters, and so are we! HG will not win this fight with me and if you have HG and are reading this, I pray it doesn't win YOUR fight either! 

I am happy to say that tomorrow, I will have made it to the half way mark! 20 weeks! it is a day I honestly never imagined. I never thought that far ahead. I thought one day at a time. 

20 weeks: 140 days (a little more than 2 gestational periods of a dog) , 3360 hours, 201600 minutes  I CAN DO THIS!!! We ALL can do this! 

Until Later
~J