The Guilt and the Fear

Tonight, I was chatting with a fellow HGer.  She is on her SECOND pregnancy with HG! Yes, I give her the most props!!! I had forgotten how far along she was and she told me 14w3d (14 weeks and 3 days). When you have HG, you count every month, week, day, hour, minute.....You are always aware of how far you have come and how much longer you have to go. it's always there. A victory waiting to be had if you get through the morning, you made it through the night! YES, mark that day off the calendar! IT is DONE!!!

She mentioned to me that she cried the other night, thinking that she has 26 weeks to go. 26 weeks!!! That's nothing! but to her, it is a lifetime! To me, it's forever! 26 weeks is: 182 days (roughly 3 times the gestational period of a dog), 4368 hours, 262080 minutes....26 weeks...it can't come fast enough!

It made me think, of where I was at 14 weeks. Its all a blur. i try to differentiate the weeks, but really...I know that 2 weeks ago, i was starting to feel "ok" before then, it was not good. 

Week 6 my "stroke like experience" which i now recognize as SEVERE dehydration and the start to my HG. Funny thing of that day....I never got an IV! Can you imagine?! never did. *shaking my head* who knew tho? the ER doc in another town, didn't know me, i presented with stroke symptoms but no stroke. Scary! I talked to my then OB about it, she told me it was my anxiety causing the symptoms. BOY WAS SHE WRONG!

after that it all went down hill, and fast! it is so hard to sit here and try and even type what I went through. It brings back dark memories that I don't want to remember and thoughts, that I am not proud of. But really....When you are that sick, you aren't in your right mind anyway. 

The darkness, the depression, the pain, the hurt, the begging and pleading with God or whoever would listen to just make the pain go away.  The deal making, I made sooo many deals! But the powers that BE...They knew we wanted this baby, they knew (even when I didn't) that I was strong enough to make it through.  

I was able to make it through the constant vomiting, dehydration, not eating, not drinking, spinning, dizziness, gagging, dry heaving, crying, guilt, worthless feeling, anxiety,  Whew...I can't keep going, I am already crying typing this.....

Times now with HG seem to be fewer and farther between. But I fear that when I am here with my guard down, It will all come back full force. (and I am aware that it can and most likely will)

The worst, is the guilt and the fear.  The guilt of being a bad mom and wife. The guilt of being a bad employee and co-worker. The guilt of being a bad friend because you cant go out and do anything let alone answer the phone. The guilt that in my many moments of weakness, I wished for anything that would take this pain away.

The fear. The fear that my wishes would come true. That I would fall asleep and everything would be done and my husband would be a alone and my beautiful daughter would grow up without me.  The fear that i would have a miscarriage and the baby that my husband and i wanted so badly would be a mournful pain and memory for me/for us. The guilt that accompanies these two thoughts are outstanding, and it is something that I will have to live with. I realize that it is a part of life and a part of grief. I know that the intensity will not always be there, and when we are holding out new baby in our arms, the thoughts will not even be in our brains; but the memory of the guilt and the fear will always be there. (Let's hope not! Let's hope the memory is erased forever! ---i am banking on this!)

So, 26 weeks to go, its a lifetime! babies that are born at 26 gestational weeks,  more likely than not WILL SURVIVE!  They are fighters, and so are we! HG will not win this fight with me and if you have HG and are reading this, I pray it doesn't win YOUR fight either! 

I am happy to say that tomorrow, I will have made it to the half way mark! 20 weeks! it is a day I honestly never imagined. I never thought that far ahead. I thought one day at a time. 

20 weeks: 140 days (a little more than 2 gestational periods of a dog) , 3360 hours, 201600 minutes  I CAN DO THIS!!! We ALL can do this! 

Until Later
~J