Update!!!!

So sorry I have been on hiatus!!!! Life has been busy, rough, tiring, wonderful, and love filled. So much going on!!!! 

I can report that my HG is GONE!!! It took awhile postpartum but it left. I've even gained some weight back. Which I have decided if its good or bad! Lol. 

My anxiety has been under much better control!! The physical symptoms are still there, but are better managed with my calming techniques, coping skills, my positive self-talk, therapy, family support, and medication. It really takes all of these components to make things work!!! It isn't easy by any means.....but I am working towards it. 

I often said: "I wouldn't wish this [Hg] on anyone." Or "This [Hg] is the worst thing in the world" 

I still say quote #1 often, but #2 has changed. HG is the 2nd worst thing in the world!!! Anxiety and panic disorder is the worst thing in the world!!! Yes, HG can be unpredictable yes, but for the most part u know what to expect. With anxiety, it's a constant curve ball. Constantly thinking what will happen, when will it happen, how will it happen, whAt will the outcome be?? UGH worst ever!!!! I never thought there would be something WORSE than HG!!! 

Until Later

~J

Whew been awhile 6/19/13

It's been awhile since I've posted!!! Mostly things have been improving and I've been super proud of my progress!! The combo of therapy, medication, and friends works wonders!!! Don't get me wrong, I am in no way close to being "fixed" or "cured" but I'm on the right path.

I've had occasional physical anxiety symptoms here and there, but nothing too great to handle. Tonight however, has gotten too close for comfort!!  I've had 2 mini attacks tonight. Both I've been able to squelch, but I can feel the mama attack on the horizon.  I'm hoping to keep it from happening.  

If I wasn't already convinced before about hormones and anxiety being related (for me anyway) I am today for sure!!!!! 

Mom date!

Today was the first time in probably over a year I went out with my bestie for a mom date. Typically a mom date consists of appetizers, alcohol, and late nights out. This one, was lunch and Target and was probably one of the best times we had. 

I did really well keeping my anxiety managed!!

Originally posted 6/13/13. I just forgot to post it! Lol I blame mom brain :) 

I'm thankful for great friendships, near and far!

Until Later

~J

Ps I'm working on other posts too....I just need sleep more. It's IMPORTANT!! Lol 

Housework

Despite the fact that I hate housework (this is no secret), I got a lot done today :) very very nice!! Anxiety was at bay for the most part and I felt some what accomplished :) 

Now if I could only convince baby it's okay to sit in the swing or bouncer for 10 mins so I could get things done periodically That would be awesome!!!

Today I'm grateful for chitlin' even though she's having a little bit of a hard time with baby being here, she is a big help!!!

Until Later

~J

Recovering today

I spent most of the day recovering from my insane anxiety attack last night!!! It was really intense and I really thought I was going to need to use my rescue med. but I didn't. I made it through.

I took some time today to try and figure out what is causing these late night (while I am sleeping) attacks. The pattern that I could find was I take my meds right before I go to bed. Then within 1-3 hours the baby is up. I'm thinking I'm in such a deep sleep and the meds are metabolizing that it catches me so off guard it throws me into a panic. 

I am going to take it earlier tonight and see how it works.  And see if it is any different. It's really the only thing I can think of. 

I'm really upset about this whole anxiety thing! It pretty much surpasses HG as the worst thing in the world!! With HG I knew it would end, I knew what caused it, I had a rough idea of what was and going to happen to me. Now it's a fricking free for all!!! I have no idea what's going or coming or what's gonna happen or when!!! WORST ever! I'm over this shit!!!

Until Later

~J

Last night was just too crappy

And I didn't like it!!! And it's starting to continue this morning. 

I'm really bothered by the visual disturbances that I have been having and by the nausea. It really is the worst. It reminds me of the HG all over again. This is all just too much. I know I will overcome it at some point but for now this crappy anxiety is winning. And I'm really mad about that. I just wanna be freaking normal. Just wanna be normal. When will it ever happen???

Until Later

~J

Anxiety PLEASE PLEASE leave me alone!!!

I had a wonderful day today with my family!!! Albeit a little (a lot), long of a day, but it was great!! My extended family came down to see us. They came to our house for a couple hours and then we went to my parents for a cookout and bonfire! It was a great time. Towards the end of the night 9pm or so I could start to feel my body getting tired and overwhelmed so we decided to leave. (Family had got to my house around noon). Got home got the baby asleep, and got myself in bed asleep by 11:06pm (last I looked at the clock).

Fast forward to 1:30am baby starts moving around and wakes up. (She slept for 3+ hours SWEET!!! Lol) anyway, I got up and instantly felt nauseous. :/ then walked to the kitchen and was extremely dizzy had to close my eyes and got more sick. Started getting hot and boom this damn anxiety attack was on me like white on rice!!! I start talking myself through it...get the baby's bottle made and sit down to feed her. I picked up my iPod and here I am blogging to get me through this. I wish I could put my symptoms out on paper, but the reality is, that if I even think about them, they make me more ill! Actually just writing that sentence made my entire body extremely hot and my neck and shoulders are burning. Ok 

Until Later

~J

Dreaming again!!

I'm so happy to be dreaming again!!! I don't remember all the parts to all my dreams but the simple fact that I'm dreaming again is encouraging!!! 

What am I dreaming about??? Sure ill tell u....I was going to do a fund raising walk for my local high school, which just so happened to be where I actually went to school.  I need help with directions etc and had to ask our guy gym teacher these questions. The funny part: it was our gym teacher from HS AND he wasn't wearing a shirt!!!! Ooh la la! Lol those of u who went to school with me....u get it!! ;) 

Until Later

~J

Whew!! Long time no type!!!

It's been awhile since I have written and I apologize. I have been dealing with a lot of things and it has taken up a lot of my time!!! 

For the most part my anxiety is getting better!! Yay!! But there are still things that bother it. For some reason it gets worse at night while I sleep!!! I am not sure why but this is proving to be true more and more often!!! It makes me wonder what the hell is up??? What happens while I'm sleeping that causes my body such panic?? Is my subconscious really that screwed up??!!! Lol. MUST BE! 

I must return to work on 6/24. *sigh* I am going to try my hardest to be ready and "stable" by then. I'm thinking positively and hoping 2 weeks will help!

 I need to get the girls into a routine as well. Chitlin will be going to daycare 2 days a week and baby my parents. This translates into me getting up at 5:45 everyday!!!! Omg!!! No freaking way!! I LOVE that baby naps until 9 or 10. Guess when she wakes at 6:30 it will be time to get her ready :( not snuggle back in bed!

Ugh so many changes to worry about and yet I reAlly shouldn't worry now!! 

Ok gotta burp the baby. 

Today I'm thankful for my parents. My mom came over to watch the girls while my dad and I ran quick errands in town

Until Later

~J

What came first??

What came first?? The anxiety or the thought/awareness of the anxiety?? What a flippin' conundrum!!! I've been trying to figure out what my trigger is for my anxiety...and I keep coming back to that episode that I had at 6 weeks pregnant that I call my "stroke episode" but have been made aware it was most likely my first response to HG. After that day, every ache, pain, cramp, tingle I was convinced I was going to die. It was such a scary experience. When u lose the ability to speak intelligibly.....along with other symptoms, it scares the crap out of you!!! So now I have to truly figure out, what is triggering my anxiety?? I'm thinking honestly my anxiety is triggering my anxiety!! I will get an anxiety symptom ie: burning sensation in my neck. I instantly think blood clot or aneurysm. Logically no this is not what is going to happen, BUT it causes me to perseverate on those thoughts. SO here's the question: What caused the anxiety symptom of the burning neck? I was doing everyday stuff, nothing different. And BOOM snowball effect!! YIKES!!!

Food for thought!!! I posted in a forum tonight that my subconscious must always be anxious and just never wants to tell me why! Ill keep working on it! I'll get this figured out!!! 

Today I'm thankful for my mother in law. Not only was she the most caring and loving person I have ever met, she was the best darn MIL a girl could ever ask for! She's give u the shirt off her back and then give u money to buy yourself new ones! She will be greatly missed. 

Xoox

Until Later

~J

Rude awakening...hungry baby

Well tonight I was woke up by 2 things....

1. An anxiety attack

2. A hungry infant

How do these work together you ask?? Well they don't!!! And typing now while feeding said hungry infant while trying to distract myself from said anxiety attack is equally hard!!! 

I'm going to be okay, I know that!!! But my heart feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest!!! And a crying, hungry, infant doesn't help that initially!! 

I warmed up a bottle and while waiting I drank 2 glasses of ice water!! Blech!!! I dislike water so much!! But I know it is important. 

So as I type and hungry infant is almost in a food coma, I start to think, "what the hell caused this attack that I am having??!!!" 

It could be a couple things:

*i was VERY busy this AM/afternoon

*i did not drink enough fluids today :(

*i finally began grieving the loss of a loved  one

*worried about my job

*baby stirring/moving around startled me

*my subconscious knows something I don't know!

I am sure if it was one of these things it's ALL of these things!!! Lol <<<<I say lol but really that is probably the most truthful statement I've made yet!!! 

Another thing I'm worried about, well not worried about, but thinking a lot about the last 2 days (ok yes that means worrying about!!) is signs of being diabetic. I have a few signs and with eating only sugars and simple carbs due to my HG, it wouldn't surprise me if I was. Or at least pre-diabetic. 

I'm hoping this isn't the anxiety that is making me think this way and that I really am aware and worried about the symptoms. I'm pretty sure it's worth being tested for. What can it hurt to have a simple blood test done? 

Anyway....baby in food coma, my eyes hurt, and my anxiety slowing....time to listen to pandora and go to bed. Thanks for listening xoxo

Today I'm thankful for....(what did I post on FB??? Doesn't matter) my friends who read my blog and give me continued support. Without you all, I'd be nowhere writing for no one. Hugs!!!

Until Later

~ J