Long time no blog....

Long story short: My life continues to be a roller coaster! And not a fun, easy going roller coaster, like the whizzer at Great America....NO WAY not even close. It is like the Viper or déjà vu, or even shockwave. For all of u who went there in the 90's you sooooooo know about Shockwave. 

Most days are great, some are doable, some are tiring, some are painful and lastly most just suck. What's that equation work out to be u ask???? Waking hours is surely a ratio of 6.5/10. Most of the time I'm distracted so not that bad. Not bedtime, that's a different story I'd say a 4/10. Nothing seems to go right. The anxiety continues to climb at night and I just don't understand!!! I don't understand the subconsciousness of this horrible disorder. And maybe I never will. 

Until Later

~J

Tonsils OUT

I can't believe this actually happened!! After all these years 22 to be close to exact, my tonsils were removed today!!! Oh thank god!!! I'm in pain tonight and am taking pain meds every 4 hours. I really feel like I could go every 3.5 but since they're Narcs, I figured I'd take exactly to the directions!

It's only been this one day, but I have not had any anxiety after the surgery. Only walking into the "fingers crossed" mostly sterile OR. Until then I had never seen an OR. The table is TINY but they assured me I wouldn't fall off! Lol!!! They also told me they would need to intubate me. This freaked me out a bit. I told the lady my anxiety went from 0-50. Her response was, "don't worry about it ill take care of it. Where r u from?"

"Evansville" 

And I was out!!! Seriously!!!! The next thing I knew I was back groggy as heck in the room with my dad. 

It is really painful right now, but I know it will continue to get better!!! 

Gotta hit the hay 

Until Latrr

~J 

Anxiety....nooooo!

I really, really, really would love to be sleeping right. Now!!! Baby girl she finally fell asleep for the 4th try after 10!! Only to woken up abruptly shortly after 11 by poor Chitlin! She tried to make it to the bathroom in time but failed. :( poor girl, this then turned into a HUGE sobbing fit in which I was unable to help with. Meanwhile baby girl begins crying, screaming. Is more like it. 2 kiddos, both screaming at 10 after 11. I get Chitlin cleaned up and tucked back in bed and GIVE UP my baby girl battle! She's in bed with us. Give me a bit and ill put her in either her crib or rock n play!  All this is turning into severe pain. I swear my head is going to explode!!! It's no wonder I have anxiety!! My back left skull is throbbing so hard right now that I could Take my pulse with no other tool!!!

Exhausted and in pain. Officially spent  

This is an anxiety attack!!!

I am okay!!! This is what Anxiety does to me. I cannot be hurt by this. However, my shoulders and chest feel like they are on fire!!!! Whew!!!! And my arm!!! Oh lord!!!! Oh does this hurt!!!! It will pass!!! This is only part of my anxiety and nothing is really wrong with me. Oh lord!!! I have had nothing like this before!!!! I've had a little burning and just here and there but not like this!!!! What caused this????? Oh boy!!!! I'm extremely nauseated!!!!! 

[I was feeding the baby, I set her down and began pacing, I became hotter and I ran my arms under the ice cold water]

Okay, I'm okay things are going to be fine!!! I am going to take a rescue med, just half since its so late. 

Oh, I'm going to be okay, there is nothing wrong with me, this is just my anxiety. I can control this!!! Anxiety doesn't define me!!! [pick baby back up, start rocking her, I need a distraction]

Whew!!!! That was by far was and still is the most intense burning I have ever had!!! I almost jumped in a freezing cold shower!!! Instead I put the baby down and ran my arms under the sink, then needed to take my shirt off because my back felt like it literally was on fire!!!! I ran my arms under the sink and then did some heavy pacing waking up my husband telling him I needed to call 911 because something wasn't right!!!! He told me to relax and to calm down. I continued to pace breathing Lamaze like. I made him touch my skin on my back because it was so hot and burning and he said it was actually cold!!!! I was soo confused!!!! I took 1/2 a rescue med and picked up the baby and now I'm rocking her as I type this and my body is no longer on fire. I am walking a right rope, this is my life....

Dear lord....thank you for helping me get through yet another one of these evil attacks!!!! I am stronger than I think I am!!! And as hard as this was, I survived!!!

How are you doing??? Original post 7/23/2013

Hello everyone!! I am once again apologizing for not posting nearly enough. Sometimes, ok MOST of the time, I just don't have TIME!!! Sleep is a VERY high  commodity in my life. Something had to give :/ 

So..."how are u doing???"  I get asked this question at least 1x a week. By different people. Most of those asking don't know that I have already been asked 4 other times during the week already. I wouldnt mind nearly as much if my answer was different than, "I'm trying" 8 weeks of "trying" blech!!!

Too tired

Too tired to post, I can barely keep my eyes open. I need sleep or an anxiety attack will happen I'm sure! 

Until Later

~J 

Down in the dumps

I really am feeling this way!! This last week has been absolutely horrible. I am so discouraged, overwhelmed, in pain, and just lost! I really thought I had a handle on this crappy anxiety! But my body and my brain just aren't working together! :( I don't even know how to think, or what to do!!! I just constantly am thinking what if...and why! Why am I still being tested in my emotional strength? Why can't life be how I need it to be?! I have 2 beautiful girls and a husband whom I love all very much, but feel the inability to be who they need me to be. How freaking disheartening! I need to continue to be positive. And I try every day, but this anxiety just breaks me down. 

I cannot believe I am even going to type this but here goes : I would take HG 3 times over than deal with anxiety. With HG I knew I was going to be sick, I knew I needed to take my meds, I knew I needed IV fluids, I knew I had my puke bag, I knew life was hard BUT I knew it was going to end!!! And even though it lasted a month AFTER baby girl got here, it ENDED and I knew it would!!!

I NEVER thought I could go through something worse than HG. Again, God has proved me wrong. 

Going to start ending on my positive notes again. I really fell off the band wagon with those. 

Tonight I am thankful for my mother.  We have not always seen eye to eye in the past but with the my increased anxiety she has really shown compassion and is understanding to my needs. 

Until Later

~ J