How are you doing??? Original post 7/23/2013

Hello everyone!! I am once again apologizing for not posting nearly enough. Sometimes, ok MOST of the time, I just don't have TIME!!! Sleep is a VERY high  commodity in my life. Something had to give :/ 

So..."how are u doing???"  I get asked this question at least 1x a week. By different people. Most of those asking don't know that I have already been asked 4 other times during the week already. I wouldnt mind nearly as much if my answer was different than, "I'm trying" 8 weeks of "trying" blech!!!

Too tired

Too tired to post, I can barely keep my eyes open. I need sleep or an anxiety attack will happen I'm sure! 

Until Later

~J 

Down in the dumps

I really am feeling this way!! This last week has been absolutely horrible. I am so discouraged, overwhelmed, in pain, and just lost! I really thought I had a handle on this crappy anxiety! But my body and my brain just aren't working together! :( I don't even know how to think, or what to do!!! I just constantly am thinking what if...and why! Why am I still being tested in my emotional strength? Why can't life be how I need it to be?! I have 2 beautiful girls and a husband whom I love all very much, but feel the inability to be who they need me to be. How freaking disheartening! I need to continue to be positive. And I try every day, but this anxiety just breaks me down. 

I cannot believe I am even going to type this but here goes : I would take HG 3 times over than deal with anxiety. With HG I knew I was going to be sick, I knew I needed to take my meds, I knew I needed IV fluids, I knew I had my puke bag, I knew life was hard BUT I knew it was going to end!!! And even though it lasted a month AFTER baby girl got here, it ENDED and I knew it would!!!

I NEVER thought I could go through something worse than HG. Again, God has proved me wrong. 

Going to start ending on my positive notes again. I really fell off the band wagon with those. 

Tonight I am thankful for my mother.  We have not always seen eye to eye in the past but with the my increased anxiety she has really shown compassion and is understanding to my needs. 

Until Later

~ J

Normal?

Why can't I just be normal again??? This anxiety is ruining my life! I just want it done and over. I'm so overwhelmed all the time. Today is such an off day. I'm just so sick and tired of this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry! I'm over this. 

Until Later

~J

Anxiety sucks

I tell chitlin multiple times a day she is not allowed to use the word "sucks" I watch my words as much as possible. But tonight, if anxiety is really what is causing me all these stupid symptoms. I can't even list em out because its just too much  :( I'm hating this. I just want my life back like yesterday!!! But then I'm allowed to say as loud as possible and not have people jump downy throat.,

Until Later,

Joleen

Night away

Tonight is the first night I am spending away from the hubs since being diagnosed. It's way harder than I expected it to be. I'm pre anxiety attack and keep telling myself I'm okay, but it's still hard and scary. I know I'll get through it and I just need to sleep....but the whole sleep thing is not happening. 

*sigh*

I'm also a little freaked out as my iPod battery is almost dead! Ugh and who forgot the charger at home??? Me!! Bummer!! Big bummer! 

Anyway...I'll keep in touch and talk soon.

Until Later 

~J

I'm a slacker....

I'm so sorry!!! I haven't posted in such a long time!!! I have to bring u all up to speed!!!

Anxiety...such a dirty word!!! I hate it. 

I went back to work last week. I work M,W,F. Thank goodness!!! I needed every minute off I could! In fact I got so stressed out on Friday last week at work that I had a mini panic attack right in the break room!! :/ it was pretty intense!! I won't lie.  This week I only work 2 days because of the holiday!!! Woot woot!! Thank you!

Since being back to work I have noticed I have more physical symptoms. I'm not liking that one bit! Mostly chest pain and increased heart rate. :/ 

I have been doing some research and GERD and anxiety can go hand in hand. Which would make sense of some of my physical symptoms. Unfortunately the increased physical symptoms bring in the one intrusive thought I have...."am I going to live through the night"

How ridiculous! I mean for real! How dumb that is what goes through my head when I'm about to go to sleep. Well, that and I'm glad I had a good day with my kids do they will have that and know I loved them. Good lord!!! I wish there was a way to shut off the possible GERD and see if I still have chat pains and increased heart rate. 

I just want to be myself again! That's all I want. :/ 

The kiddos are doing great!! Chitlin is learning how to be a big sister and baby is looking around and taking it ALL in!!! 

I need to go to bed! She will be up shortly and I'll be useless!! 

Until Later

-J