Burning...burning....burning (sung in a scale)

Every time I read the title to my blog:

This is my life until May 2013, 

I laugh. What's the joke you ask?? Me!!! I'm the flippin' joke!! It's August of 2014 and I'm still dealing with this shit!!! I really can't wait to get my life back! Pfft!

Long story short. I've been sick with a cold since Tuesday. It's 12:51ambon Sunday. I'm pretty sure I have bronchitis. A sinus infection for sure!!! ANYWAY....I told the hubs tmrw (today, Sunday) I was going to urgent care cuz every time I cough I feel like my lungs will explode. Sounds good, I'm going first thing I'm the AM. Well, at 12:17 my body is JOLTED awake like old times and my body is on fire. And I don't me the oh, it tingles and is kinda numb. NO, I mean 4 freaking alr fire my back chest and arms are gonnaelt off!!! I was ca, took a whole Xanax, talked myself through it, took a crap, did my routine google search for "whole body burning sensation" read the same articles I always read, and then came here to update.  

Urgent care for cold meds, hopefully a CBC blood draw to check levels and everything will be fine... Here's hoping

Until later

~J

HG Awareness day!!!

This is my second one since having Baby girl.  Every day I'm so thankful for her! Not a day goes by that I don't think of how HG affected me and my family. I'm getting better every day. Almost back to normal. Still some hiccups, but damn it, life is good. 

Love, 

J 

HG Helper and update

I was asked last week by Lyle at Beyond Morning Sickness to help out a fellow HG mom in my area. I was HONORED!! I of course said YES right away! I'm very excited to be part of this circle :) 

The HG family is so small so to continue to be a part of it is great!! 

Update on the Fam: chitlin is still loving school and we started her in swim lessons!! She loves it!! Baby girl is 10 months and taking steps here and there by herself!!! I think about where I was a year ago....what a difference!!! Hubby is doing well. And Me, yes Me!!! I'm hanging in there!! :D I'm working full time and making it through the days! I am happy and working through my continued anxiety. I once read it takes 3 months to heal from HG for every month you are sick!! Well if that is the case of the 27 months I have 10 down!!! :) 

BRING IT YEOTCHES!!!! 

I also have just joined a local HG group. Who knew there are/were others out there sooo close to me!!! Yay we are not alone :) high five girlies!!! We did it!!! 

Until later

~J 

GI virus??? Food poisoning??? The world hates me???

This weekend was supposed to be ALL about fun!! Going to an indoor water park with family and friends, and a friend's daughters 1st bday party!!! Did we make it??? Nope! Why??? Cuz I'm on the shitter. Yep, u read that right!!! I'm on the shitter. Most of the time I'm not sure which end it will be coming from so I decided that Chitlin's bathroom is best since the tub is right close and I can do both as needed. Which......I've needed. Anywho......the reason for this post is to talk about PTSD. Now, I haven't been Dx with PTSD, but I can tell you after spending all this time BACK in the bathroom, I can relate all to well. Not only am I physically sick, but mentally I'm a wreck!!!

When I first started heaving I went into flight or fight mode and tears started streaming down my face. This was happening, and it was happening RIGHT NOW!!! I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom. There was NO WAY I was puking in that toilet so in the sink it went!! Horrible!! I started burning up!!! I started shaking, the tears were flowing and I was scared for my life. Chitlin actually said, "dad, ma's puking....AGAIN!!! It's been forever, come help her!" I about died right there!!! 

Hubby helped me get calmed down, helped with the kids AND scrubbed the toilet spotless for me!! Thank god!! I ended up needing it 1 more time, then realized, I'd be using chiltlin's bathroom! Lol 

The fear that came over me, the utter panic, it was..., I don't know, I can't even put words to it. Poorly described it was scary. I hope this gi crap passes soon cuz quite frankly, I don't want to keep feeling this way!!!

Happy thoughts!!

Until tmrw

~J

Omg yes I'm still here!!!

10/27/2013

Pffft! I practically fell off the face of the earth! So much going on and NO time what so ever! Go figure right?!?!?! 

Anxiety- it blows hard core! Don't get me wrong, I'm a complete 180 from when I first was diagnosed 5months ago, but shit, it still is a HUGE part of my life. I honestly can say I hate it! But all I can do is keep fighting cuz dammit, I will win this fight! 

-what have I done to help already:

•counseling- HUGE DEAL helped a lot

•Meds- a continual work in progress. Some days I feel 100% other days I know they need tweaking (NOT TWERKING, tweaking) 

•talking to a friend/blogging/typing 

12/30/2013

I came on my blog to write as I am in midst of a panic attack and I see that this post was never published!!! How rude of me!! It's been sitting in my draft box for 2 months!!!  Well I better finish it and get it published!!! 

Anxiety can suck it. It has been over 2 months since I have had a full blown anxiety attack!!! I'm not saying it hasn't been hard, because god knows it has been! "Everyday I'm struggling" eh botched song lyric switched word attempt!! Anyway....as I am typing this in midst of my attack, I'm holding my precious baby girl who isn't such a baby anymore. She turned 8 months yesterday!!! I think of where I have been in the last 2 years!!! 

2 years ago I had no health concerns, other than being overweight, but couldn't get pregnant. Come hell or high water, we were going to have a beautiful baby!!! I talked with my friend Kellie and I instantly went Paleo. 6 short months later I was pg and well that's when this treacherous journey began. I'm still looking for answers and I don't know if I will ever get them??? 

The intense burning is the worst or at least tied for the worst. Feeling like u are unable to breathe due to the intense burning or maybe when u feel ur heart may just explode! Ugh... Those are tied too for first! No, no, now just wait...it's all just shitty the whole damn thing! 

When my attack started tonight I took 1/2 a Xanax, it helped a little, but now I took the other half in hopes that it indeed will help. If it doesn't help...well then, this isn't anxiety and something else is wrong!!! 

Going to lay down and try to let my meds work. Thanks for hanging in there with me and keepin it "real" 

Peace out!! ---do u like this closing??? 

J

First one in a while!

Hi everyone!!! Long time no write. I think it's been close to 2 months if not slightly longer. 

I was rocking the baby tonight after feeding her not thinking of anything in particular but having what I would describe as mini muscle jerks in my shoulders. Almost like a "tic" like when u are uncomfortable and ur body adjusts. Anyway, I'm sitting there and my chest begins to BURN, and I mean the someone is burning u with fire burn!!! It quickly moves below my breasts and then to my arms. I walk very quickly into our bedroom where I proceed to tell my husband I am having a panic attack. He aka why and then listens then goes back to bed. I lay the baby down on our bed and grab my Xanax. I take only 1/2 of .25

I have no idea if that little amount is going to help. At this point my skin is burning!!!!!!!i touch my skin and it is HOT to the touch!!! I take the temporal thermometer and it only reads 97.7-98.7 so frustrating! Where is all this burning heat sensation coming from?? Yikes!! It's been about 5 mins and the burning is going away but still there. I think the Xanax is working to help calm me down. 

I'm still so frustrated with why this happens to me at night and that I'm not "thinking" of anything. I was just sitting in the recliner rocking the baby. Nothing different from any other night. 

Ugh!!! I made it through but yikes!!

This crap is for the birds!

Until Later 

~J

Yoga yoga yoga.

I did it tonight and boy, I am out of shape!!!! Go figure right?! I even managed some tummy crunchers. I'm feeling good about what I did. Now to keep it up! I will!!! I have to, for a better me! 

Until Later

~J

Migraines.....they make me Happy :D NOT!!!

So, I don't have another Neuro appt until Dec 23rd. I don't know if I can wait that long. Well of course I CAN, BUT I don't know if I will want to. So how can I fix this??? How can I "fix" my migraines. My hormones, my pain, etc....the easiest way...going Paleo! I am going to have to. I was hoping to "ease" into it and just be gluten free...it's not working!!! I am going to have to cut out ALL grains. It's going to be hard, but I have to do it. I can't, NO, I won't live like this anymore. Starting tmrw, I am going to be as Paleo as I can be until payday Friday. Then...it's  on. I will feel better, I will be healthier and really....who doesn't want to look. Feel, and BE better??? I better get my journal out too. 

So instead of being down and frumpy even tho I'm in lots of pain, I am going to be positive and make a plan!!! If I don't take care of me who will??? Let's throw some yoga into the mix too! I can do it!!! 

Until Later,

~J 

Long time no blog....

Long story short: My life continues to be a roller coaster! And not a fun, easy going roller coaster, like the whizzer at Great America....NO WAY not even close. It is like the Viper or déjà vu, or even shockwave. For all of u who went there in the 90's you sooooooo know about Shockwave. 

Most days are great, some are doable, some are tiring, some are painful and lastly most just suck. What's that equation work out to be u ask???? Waking hours is surely a ratio of 6.5/10. Most of the time I'm distracted so not that bad. Not bedtime, that's a different story I'd say a 4/10. Nothing seems to go right. The anxiety continues to climb at night and I just don't understand!!! I don't understand the subconsciousness of this horrible disorder. And maybe I never will. 

Until Later

~J

Tonsils OUT

I can't believe this actually happened!! After all these years 22 to be close to exact, my tonsils were removed today!!! Oh thank god!!! I'm in pain tonight and am taking pain meds every 4 hours. I really feel like I could go every 3.5 but since they're Narcs, I figured I'd take exactly to the directions!

It's only been this one day, but I have not had any anxiety after the surgery. Only walking into the "fingers crossed" mostly sterile OR. Until then I had never seen an OR. The table is TINY but they assured me I wouldn't fall off! Lol!!! They also told me they would need to intubate me. This freaked me out a bit. I told the lady my anxiety went from 0-50. Her response was, "don't worry about it ill take care of it. Where r u from?"

"Evansville" 

And I was out!!! Seriously!!!! The next thing I knew I was back groggy as heck in the room with my dad. 

It is really painful right now, but I know it will continue to get better!!! 

Gotta hit the hay 

Until Latrr

~J 

Anxiety....nooooo!

I really, really, really would love to be sleeping right. Now!!! Baby girl she finally fell asleep for the 4th try after 10!! Only to woken up abruptly shortly after 11 by poor Chitlin! She tried to make it to the bathroom in time but failed. :( poor girl, this then turned into a HUGE sobbing fit in which I was unable to help with. Meanwhile baby girl begins crying, screaming. Is more like it. 2 kiddos, both screaming at 10 after 11. I get Chitlin cleaned up and tucked back in bed and GIVE UP my baby girl battle! She's in bed with us. Give me a bit and ill put her in either her crib or rock n play!  All this is turning into severe pain. I swear my head is going to explode!!! It's no wonder I have anxiety!! My back left skull is throbbing so hard right now that I could Take my pulse with no other tool!!!

Exhausted and in pain. Officially spent  

This is an anxiety attack!!!

I am okay!!! This is what Anxiety does to me. I cannot be hurt by this. However, my shoulders and chest feel like they are on fire!!!! Whew!!!! And my arm!!! Oh lord!!!! Oh does this hurt!!!! It will pass!!! This is only part of my anxiety and nothing is really wrong with me. Oh lord!!! I have had nothing like this before!!!! I've had a little burning and just here and there but not like this!!!! What caused this????? Oh boy!!!! I'm extremely nauseated!!!!! 

[I was feeding the baby, I set her down and began pacing, I became hotter and I ran my arms under the ice cold water]

Okay, I'm okay things are going to be fine!!! I am going to take a rescue med, just half since its so late. 

Oh, I'm going to be okay, there is nothing wrong with me, this is just my anxiety. I can control this!!! Anxiety doesn't define me!!! [pick baby back up, start rocking her, I need a distraction]

Whew!!!! That was by far was and still is the most intense burning I have ever had!!! I almost jumped in a freezing cold shower!!! Instead I put the baby down and ran my arms under the sink, then needed to take my shirt off because my back felt like it literally was on fire!!!! I ran my arms under the sink and then did some heavy pacing waking up my husband telling him I needed to call 911 because something wasn't right!!!! He told me to relax and to calm down. I continued to pace breathing Lamaze like. I made him touch my skin on my back because it was so hot and burning and he said it was actually cold!!!! I was soo confused!!!! I took 1/2 a rescue med and picked up the baby and now I'm rocking her as I type this and my body is no longer on fire. I am walking a right rope, this is my life....

Dear lord....thank you for helping me get through yet another one of these evil attacks!!!! I am stronger than I think I am!!! And as hard as this was, I survived!!!

How are you doing??? Original post 7/23/2013

Hello everyone!! I am once again apologizing for not posting nearly enough. Sometimes, ok MOST of the time, I just don't have TIME!!! Sleep is a VERY high  commodity in my life. Something had to give :/ 

So..."how are u doing???"  I get asked this question at least 1x a week. By different people. Most of those asking don't know that I have already been asked 4 other times during the week already. I wouldnt mind nearly as much if my answer was different than, "I'm trying" 8 weeks of "trying" blech!!!

Too tired

Too tired to post, I can barely keep my eyes open. I need sleep or an anxiety attack will happen I'm sure! 

Until Later

~J 

Down in the dumps

I really am feeling this way!! This last week has been absolutely horrible. I am so discouraged, overwhelmed, in pain, and just lost! I really thought I had a handle on this crappy anxiety! But my body and my brain just aren't working together! :( I don't even know how to think, or what to do!!! I just constantly am thinking what if...and why! Why am I still being tested in my emotional strength? Why can't life be how I need it to be?! I have 2 beautiful girls and a husband whom I love all very much, but feel the inability to be who they need me to be. How freaking disheartening! I need to continue to be positive. And I try every day, but this anxiety just breaks me down. 

I cannot believe I am even going to type this but here goes : I would take HG 3 times over than deal with anxiety. With HG I knew I was going to be sick, I knew I needed to take my meds, I knew I needed IV fluids, I knew I had my puke bag, I knew life was hard BUT I knew it was going to end!!! And even though it lasted a month AFTER baby girl got here, it ENDED and I knew it would!!!

I NEVER thought I could go through something worse than HG. Again, God has proved me wrong. 

Going to start ending on my positive notes again. I really fell off the band wagon with those. 

Tonight I am thankful for my mother.  We have not always seen eye to eye in the past but with the my increased anxiety she has really shown compassion and is understanding to my needs. 

Until Later

~ J

Normal?

Why can't I just be normal again??? This anxiety is ruining my life! I just want it done and over. I'm so overwhelmed all the time. Today is such an off day. I'm just so sick and tired of this. I want to curl up into a ball and just cry! I'm over this. 

Until Later

~J

Anxiety sucks

I tell chitlin multiple times a day she is not allowed to use the word "sucks" I watch my words as much as possible. But tonight, if anxiety is really what is causing me all these stupid symptoms. I can't even list em out because its just too much  :( I'm hating this. I just want my life back like yesterday!!! But then I'm allowed to say as loud as possible and not have people jump downy throat.,

Until Later,

Joleen

Night away

Tonight is the first night I am spending away from the hubs since being diagnosed. It's way harder than I expected it to be. I'm pre anxiety attack and keep telling myself I'm okay, but it's still hard and scary. I know I'll get through it and I just need to sleep....but the whole sleep thing is not happening. 

*sigh*

I'm also a little freaked out as my iPod battery is almost dead! Ugh and who forgot the charger at home??? Me!! Bummer!! Big bummer! 

Anyway...I'll keep in touch and talk soon.

Until Later 

~J

I'm a slacker....

I'm so sorry!!! I haven't posted in such a long time!!! I have to bring u all up to speed!!!

Anxiety...such a dirty word!!! I hate it. 

I went back to work last week. I work M,W,F. Thank goodness!!! I needed every minute off I could! In fact I got so stressed out on Friday last week at work that I had a mini panic attack right in the break room!! :/ it was pretty intense!! I won't lie.  This week I only work 2 days because of the holiday!!! Woot woot!! Thank you!

Since being back to work I have noticed I have more physical symptoms. I'm not liking that one bit! Mostly chest pain and increased heart rate. :/ 

I have been doing some research and GERD and anxiety can go hand in hand. Which would make sense of some of my physical symptoms. Unfortunately the increased physical symptoms bring in the one intrusive thought I have...."am I going to live through the night"

How ridiculous! I mean for real! How dumb that is what goes through my head when I'm about to go to sleep. Well, that and I'm glad I had a good day with my kids do they will have that and know I loved them. Good lord!!! I wish there was a way to shut off the possible GERD and see if I still have chat pains and increased heart rate. 

I just want to be myself again! That's all I want. :/ 

The kiddos are doing great!! Chitlin is learning how to be a big sister and baby is looking around and taking it ALL in!!! 

I need to go to bed! She will be up shortly and I'll be useless!! 

Until Later

-J

Update!!!!

So sorry I have been on hiatus!!!! Life has been busy, rough, tiring, wonderful, and love filled. So much going on!!!! 

I can report that my HG is GONE!!! It took awhile postpartum but it left. I've even gained some weight back. Which I have decided if its good or bad! Lol. 

My anxiety has been under much better control!! The physical symptoms are still there, but are better managed with my calming techniques, coping skills, my positive self-talk, therapy, family support, and medication. It really takes all of these components to make things work!!! It isn't easy by any means.....but I am working towards it. 

I often said: "I wouldn't wish this [Hg] on anyone." Or "This [Hg] is the worst thing in the world" 

I still say quote #1 often, but #2 has changed. HG is the 2nd worst thing in the world!!! Anxiety and panic disorder is the worst thing in the world!!! Yes, HG can be unpredictable yes, but for the most part u know what to expect. With anxiety, it's a constant curve ball. Constantly thinking what will happen, when will it happen, how will it happen, whAt will the outcome be?? UGH worst ever!!!! I never thought there would be something WORSE than HG!!! 

Until Later

~J