Long time no blog....

Long story short: My life continues to be a roller coaster! And not a fun, easy going roller coaster, like the whizzer at Great America....NO WAY not even close. It is like the Viper or déjà vu, or even shockwave. For all of u who went there in the 90's you sooooooo know about Shockwave. 

Most days are great, some are doable, some are tiring, some are painful and lastly most just suck. What's that equation work out to be u ask???? Waking hours is surely a ratio of 6.5/10. Most of the time I'm distracted so not that bad. Not bedtime, that's a different story I'd say a 4/10. Nothing seems to go right. The anxiety continues to climb at night and I just don't understand!!! I don't understand the subconsciousness of this horrible disorder. And maybe I never will. 

Until Later

~J

Tonsils OUT

I can't believe this actually happened!! After all these years 22 to be close to exact, my tonsils were removed today!!! Oh thank god!!! I'm in pain tonight and am taking pain meds every 4 hours. I really feel like I could go every 3.5 but since they're Narcs, I figured I'd take exactly to the directions!

It's only been this one day, but I have not had any anxiety after the surgery. Only walking into the "fingers crossed" mostly sterile OR. Until then I had never seen an OR. The table is TINY but they assured me I wouldn't fall off! Lol!!! They also told me they would need to intubate me. This freaked me out a bit. I told the lady my anxiety went from 0-50. Her response was, "don't worry about it ill take care of it. Where r u from?"

"Evansville" 

And I was out!!! Seriously!!!! The next thing I knew I was back groggy as heck in the room with my dad. 

It is really painful right now, but I know it will continue to get better!!! 

Gotta hit the hay 

Until Latrr

~J 

Anxiety....nooooo!

I really, really, really would love to be sleeping right. Now!!! Baby girl she finally fell asleep for the 4th try after 10!! Only to woken up abruptly shortly after 11 by poor Chitlin! She tried to make it to the bathroom in time but failed. :( poor girl, this then turned into a HUGE sobbing fit in which I was unable to help with. Meanwhile baby girl begins crying, screaming. Is more like it. 2 kiddos, both screaming at 10 after 11. I get Chitlin cleaned up and tucked back in bed and GIVE UP my baby girl battle! She's in bed with us. Give me a bit and ill put her in either her crib or rock n play!  All this is turning into severe pain. I swear my head is going to explode!!! It's no wonder I have anxiety!! My back left skull is throbbing so hard right now that I could Take my pulse with no other tool!!!

Exhausted and in pain. Officially spent  

This is an anxiety attack!!!

I am okay!!! This is what Anxiety does to me. I cannot be hurt by this. However, my shoulders and chest feel like they are on fire!!!! Whew!!!! And my arm!!! Oh lord!!!! Oh does this hurt!!!! It will pass!!! This is only part of my anxiety and nothing is really wrong with me. Oh lord!!! I have had nothing like this before!!!! I've had a little burning and just here and there but not like this!!!! What caused this????? Oh boy!!!! I'm extremely nauseated!!!!! 

[I was feeding the baby, I set her down and began pacing, I became hotter and I ran my arms under the ice cold water]

Okay, I'm okay things are going to be fine!!! I am going to take a rescue med, just half since its so late. 

Oh, I'm going to be okay, there is nothing wrong with me, this is just my anxiety. I can control this!!! Anxiety doesn't define me!!! [pick baby back up, start rocking her, I need a distraction]

Whew!!!! That was by far was and still is the most intense burning I have ever had!!! I almost jumped in a freezing cold shower!!! Instead I put the baby down and ran my arms under the sink, then needed to take my shirt off because my back felt like it literally was on fire!!!! I ran my arms under the sink and then did some heavy pacing waking up my husband telling him I needed to call 911 because something wasn't right!!!! He told me to relax and to calm down. I continued to pace breathing Lamaze like. I made him touch my skin on my back because it was so hot and burning and he said it was actually cold!!!! I was soo confused!!!! I took 1/2 a rescue med and picked up the baby and now I'm rocking her as I type this and my body is no longer on fire. I am walking a right rope, this is my life....

Dear lord....thank you for helping me get through yet another one of these evil attacks!!!! I am stronger than I think I am!!! And as hard as this was, I survived!!!